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am 8. Juni 2000
What a God send this book is! For the past three years off and on, I have been involved in an email relationship with a passive aggressive man! You don't have to know him face to face to play out the scenario. Besides, he was SUPPOSED to show up, but of course he never did, which is part of the PA mo. I was desperate to find help because although I knew something was gravely wrong, I couldn't figure out what it was; all I knew was that it was making me crazy and I was tired of blaming myself. So I picked up this book and on every page, in every paragraph and almost in every sentence, I had the "Aha!" reaction. I was in the middle of the bookstore browsing through the book and saying, "Yes. YES! OH MY GOD, THAT'S HIM!" On every single page.
I cannot recommend this book enough if you're in a relationship with a man who makes you feel crazy and who provokes you and then turns around to accuse YOU of having the problem.
I found the chapter on "Sex and the Passive Aggressive Man" particularly chilling, as the man I was involved with is a TV personality on cable. Thank God he never showed up. That humiliated, confused, and shocked female in the hotel room could very easily have been me.
Thank you so much, Mr. Wetzler. I would hug you if I could.
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am 7. April 2000
My mouth literally fell open when I read this book. Everything was there.... I knew something wasn't right with my ex-husbamd but could only find bits and pieces of the puzzle.. until I read this book. It explained everything. Very comprehensive, insightful, and indeed helpful, if not truly lifesaving (emotionally). Things that my ex even SAID was in there. Talk about spooky. After reading the other reviews, and not wanting to be redundant (the others certainly have captured the essence of the breed), I will just say that these "nice guys" really have a way of making you feel as though your wrong, crazy, too sensitive, and they are just victims of your unjustified tirades. After reading this book I regained my self-esteem, found my emotional footing and never looked back. I strongly recommend this book to any woman who has to deal with a "(p)assive-aggressive" male. It is worth every penny!
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am 4. Mai 2000
I found the book really helpful. I did though, have to change the pronouns quite often. The passive-aggressive behaviors describe women as well. Scott Wetzler says there are p/a women, but the book describes male behaviors because passive aggression in men seems to be rapidly increasing in the population, both in numbers and in severity of response. From what I've seen, that's true of women as well. If the passive-aggressive personality in your life is female, do not let the title put you off. Simple change in the gender of the pronouns is all you need to see HER behavior very clearly.
Peace, DV
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am 2. September 1998
I am so grateful to Scott Wetzler for writing this book. It has allowed me to forgive myself for taking the final step and getting a divorce, de-coupling from a situation which only someone with iron-clad self-esteem and unswerving vigilance could survive.
"He doesn't hit you, he doesn't drink, he doesn't run around, and he likes to cook. What more could you want in a husband?" That's what my ex's late mother used to say. But something was definitely wrong with this picture. He wouldn't work. He wouldn't talk. He wouldn't acknowledge responsibility for anything. But he loved therapy. Years and years of couples counseling didn't help. I found it hard to get a handle on what was wrong until reading this book.
Wetzler successfully calls attention to the "sins of omission" as opposed to the "sins of commission" and that truly is the crux of the problem. Also, the slippery logic, the convoluted rationalizations, the comfort of paralysis, the narcissistic view of the universe. I was trying to engage in give-and-take with a passive aggressive man, and that is plain impossible. My hands just kept sticking to the tar baby.
My ex was good-looking, intelligent, and charming. But the solitude, the procrastination, the silent treatment, the inability to hold a job, the supreme sense of entitlement, the refusal to argue or engage in any discussion of issues, blaming me for his failures, using abstinence as a weapon... In ten years of marriage, my husband never uttered my name.
I kept waiting for the waves of remorse to flow over me after I'd made the decision to separate. After all, I was 36 when I married him. Although I should have been wise then, I let me desire for a family and my desire to "help" him blind me to the obvious.
Now I feel as if an albatross has been removed from my neck. I have renewed strength. My self-esteem is returning. I am vigilant as a bulldog because we have two small children. PAs are basically scofflaws who discount all negotiated agreements, don't feel rules apply to them (taxes? child support? are you kidding?), and will manipulate even little children to get their way. I am now prepared, thanks to Dr. Wetzler, to stand my ground.
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am 25. Februar 2000
I've been married to a passive-aggressive man for 16 years, and until I started reading this book, I didn't know what the problem was. I'd just about thrown in the towel, but this book gives me hope. The book is well researched, accessible, practical, and definitely _not_ your standard self-help psychobabble. It's a lifesaver for women like me who want to preserve and improve our marriages, but who didn't know how. Maybe we've still got a fighting chance.
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am 3. Oktober 1998
It's been 5 years since I read this book, and I consider myself and my husband one of Dr. Wetzler's "success stories".
Dr. Wetzler showed me that while I didn't CREATE a passive-agressive man (mama did!), I certainly contributed to the problem. This book is NOT about changing your man; it's about setting limits on his behavior, and then letting him run his own life.
He explained that it takes two to tango, and I finally understood that MY attitude had to change. I now know to let my husband run his own life. I no longer speak for him, lie for him, or make his decisions for him. If something is on his mind, I encourage him to speak up. I took Dr. Wetzler's advice and backed off. My husband knows that I am on his side, ALWAYS, and that his opinions count.
As a result, he is now President of his own company, and seems to have no trouble expressing himself. (Although he does complain alot!) I have even noticed that people no longer refer to him as a "NICE" guy when they meet him. He is very well respected, with a new sense of confidence. He is like a new man.
One last thing to remember: Passive-agressive men cannot be "completely cured"; but reducing his antics to occassional white lies is more than I expected!
This is probably the most important book I have ever read.
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am 16. April 1999
Gradually, over a period of 18 years of marriage, I started to sense that maybe some of our marriage problems could be attributed to a personality disorder. I read about various disorders and came up with suspicions of Passive Aggressive Disorder in my husband. One night, two years ago, I decided to go to the bookstore to find a book just on PA Disorder. There it was, like it was waiting for me - Living With The Passive Aggressive Man!! I went straight home and read all night, armed with a red pencil and underlining passages and starring sentences. What a catharsis!
Now, 2 years later, I reread the book to remind myself that I am not crazy, that I am not a bitch, and that I am doing the right thing to file for divorce, even with 2 daughters who love their father. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, because, as we all know, he's SUCH a nice guy..... Well, luckily he IS a nice guy , but he has a lot of problems to work out to learn how to establish an honest relationship with someone, including his daughters. I honestly wish him the best of luck.
The only thing missing from Dr. Wetzler's book is help in divorcing the Passive Aggressive father of your children, especially pre-adolescent daughters. I felt a little lost about what to do next after reading about my life in the book.
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am 22. März 2000
I've been married for under a year and wondered where the "nice guy" went that I had married. When I read this book, I found out how my husband had used my "trigger points" to win me over to get married and now was using them against me with his passive aggressive behavior. The emotional see-saw I was on was not imagined. Now, all I have to do is decided to cut my losses, or stay.
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am 16. August 1998
I am married to and have two children with a passive aggressive man. I have searched local bookstores for a book on the topic for 2 years. One night, in desperation, I searched Amazon for a book on the subject and thankfully, I found this book by Scott Wetzeler.
Scott Wetzler clearly outlines the personality of a passive aggressive and concise terms and offers comprehensive solutions in how to deal with this personality.
What I loved most about the book were the validating stories told by other women that have experienced the, frustration, humiliation and emotional abuse, while involved with a "PA". I read their words over and over again in partial disbeleif, that my exact feelings and discription of the behavior, were staring back at me in black and white.
I urge anyone (male or female) who is in a relationship with someone who sulks, does not respond to a direct question or insists they are not angry even though their actions tell you otherwise, to read this book. It will save your life, as it has mine.
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am 29. Juli 2000
I'd think about buying this book for some personal issues but all I read about in reviews is how it helps women deal with pa men/husband/bosses, etal.
It might even help the pa male recognize himself. But if it even does accomplish that does it help him work through them or just make him feel worse for his efforts to understand himself?
Pls don't forget; the pa was a victim (imposed on by others)of his OWN pa for years before you were the "incidental victim". He/She has had to struggle with not only his/her own internal problems but with the world he neither understands nor where he is understood.
I can find NOTHING for men OR women who want to work through some pa tendencies (not necessarily full-blown papd). Can anyone recommend this book or another RECENT book for those of us who are NOT the victim but the unintentional victimizer?
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