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How To Win Friends And Influence People
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am 1. Februar 2012
The truth about many of these self help books is that they repeat stuff you already know. If they'll help you or not just depends on the fact if you're open for looking at your own life, your own way of handling people and see the mistakes.
If you would just look at the concluding points of each chapter (each chapter is logically build up around one tip for human interaction) your obvious reaction would be "Duhhh!", these things can be found all over the internet for free.
But what makes this book so good, in my opinion, is all the interesting stories and extremely varied examples Dale carnegie brings up to illustrate -why these things work-. In my case it sometimes opened my eyes and made me realize, "dammit I do this too!".
What is important to me also is that Carnegie promotes a kind of "ethical" use of these tips. He is definitely not promoting flattery or pretending to be nice only to get things from other people. He promotes sincerity and mutual interest in building solid relationships with family members, friends and colleagues.

It is quite important to note that Dale Carnegie, for those of you that haven't done the background research, spent years teaching courses on public speaking and on the topic of this book. He actually gathered feedback and situations that occurred from his students, aside from doing a lot of research, and I believe you notice it in the practicality of this book.
This wasn't written by some guy sitting in his basement believing he has the key to handling people without testing everything out.

The fact that this book was originally written such a long time ago only makes it more fascinating, don't let it scare you off! Quite a lot of the situations he brings up are about former presidents, warlords and criminals of that time and it somehow transports you to that time of age as an amusing side effect.
His amusing writing style only adds to this and this makes it so that if even this book doesn't "help" you, it is still a very worthwhile read.
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As a management consultant, I am always asking our clients and potential clients what their major issues are. It almost always boils down to persuading someone else to change. In many situations, the person describes the situation as getting worse rather than better.

As I ask more questions, I soon learn that the person I am talking to is totally thinking about the issue from her or his perspective, not the perspective of the person they want to influence. Carnegie describes a situation where he and his son couldn't get a calf into the barn. They pushed and pulled, and nothing worked. A maid came out, stuck her finger into the calf's mouth to simulate feeding and the calf followed her right into the barn.

As you can tell from that example, Carnegie is a student of the stimulus-response school of human behavior. The book is divided into four sections: Handling People; Getting People to Like You; Getting People to Agree with You; and Being a Leader. Each section is comprised of a few principles, which are each exemplified in a short chapter with a number of examples. Handling people has to do with avoiding the negative and unpleasant, appreciating the other person, and making the other person eager to accomplish some goal of their own.

Each section follows the same format. Basically, it's the same way that you train any living being. You provide positive feedback to the person which makes them feel better, the person responds positively to you making you feel better, you then help the other person to link what you want to share with them with something they want.

Many people will be offended by this idea. I have long studied that reaction and find that it relates to one of two basic assumptions: (1) the decision to act should be based on the objective merits (if I deal with emotions, I am being manipulative) or (2) I want you to acknowledge that I am right, that you are wrong, and that I am superior to you because I am right. Both of those perspectives get in the way of establishing warm human relationships. If you would rather do things without emotion, your life will be very dull. If you would always like to be right, you will be very lonely (even if you really are right).

Let's look at a more fundamental question. Can these techniques be used for questionable purpoes? Probably, is my answer. However, at some point, the person's manipulative game will be found out. See Robert Cialdini's book, Influence, on what happens to smugglers of influence over time.

The best results will come from those who have integrity and are principled. They and everyone else can see that they are pursuing something with another person that is in the best interests of that person, and that there are no hidden agendas. Here is where I think Carnegie is a little weak. You get the impression from the book that hidden agendas are okay. My experience is that all agendas should be totally upfront. Don't pretend you are trying to help someone, when all you are trying to do is sell them something they don't need. Do encourage them to get the information they need to make a good decision for themselves about your idea, product, or service. Leave the whole circumstance with a stronger, more trustworthy relationship than you started with. That's how I interpret the Dale Carnegie principles.

If you really would like to get better results in your human relationships, this book is essential reading. To skip this book would be like skipping reading and arithmetic in grade school. It contains essential tools that everyone needs to understand. Since these things are seldom taught in schools, this is a good place to start.

Modern gurus of human relationships and effectiveness like Stephen Covey and Tony Robbins have a substantial debt to Dale Carnegie. If you read all of them, you will tend to reinforce your new habits. I like the Covey and Robbins approaches as a complement to Carnegie, because both authors focus on having principles at the center of what you do. That will help reduce the risk of turning Carnegie into techniques that lead to suboptimal results, instead of a mutually reinforcing virtuous cycle for everyone.

Researchers consistently show that success in many fields (such as business, politics, and teaching) is very closely related to one's social skills. Many people will work very hard to be more successful, but skimp on the relationship aspects. That's a mistake. Work on the relationships first.

Enjoy having easier interactions with others, having more friends, being more influential on important subjects, being more open to being influenced by others, and leading where it needs doing!
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am 7. März 2000
This book on human relations, first published in 1937, is still the best on this nebulous subject of simply "relating well to others". By using these principles, you can simply change your world! Steven Covey has criticized this book indirectly because he states that it "truncates the character base". It is THE book for sociopaths who will smile, call you by your first name, and grab your money. But I did have good results with this marketing system. We had a new manager at a telemarketing company. I felt horrible mainly because it is horrible work (which is why I go out of my way to treat these people decently). Anyway, the new manager came in and walked behind us. I knew later that she was Carnegie Trained. First, she called me by my name. Bill. Secondly, she said I had a good telephone voice. And third, she made my mistakes seem easy to correct. And finally she pointed out my mistakes indirectly. Well, I felt good and relaxed. Then my performance did
skyrocket in results! These are four Carnegie techniques. Now what does it matter if she "smudged" a bit. It's a hell of a lot better than being yelled at! The Carnegie system is still the world's best management system according to people whom I have interviewed. And you really only have to buy one book! If you are worried about being a "phoney", then you can buy Adam Khan's "Self-Help Stuff That Works" which is based om Martin Seligman's "Learned Optimism" and "How to Win Friends and Influence People". It's a bit tougher than Carnegie's approach, but not as pious nor as rigid as Covey's books. I do disagree with Khan on one point strongly and so would Carnegie I believe. In his chapter "Complaint Compunctions", Khan takes the position that you should NOT listen to someone bad-mouth a third person. That you should state, "I think it would be better if you took this problem to the person you are angry at." A bit tough. But I do agree with Khan and I believe Carnegie was amiss with Khan's chapter "Bad Apples". Khan claims, and rightly so, that there are simply some people you can't deal with. They are covered with mud and no matter what you try in dealing with them, you will have mud over you after trying to deal with them. So deal with them as little as possible even if they are your employees. Advice to the wise. I think that Covey's disguised criticism can be covered with Khan's chapter "Forging Mettle" which displays a "people-oriented" approach to dealing with human beings. Buy this book if you don't want to sink. And buy "Self Help Stuff That Works " if you want to stay aflaot. Good luck.
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am 7. März 2000
This book on human relations, first published in 1937, is still the best on this nebulous subject of simply "relating well to others". By using these principles, you can simply change your world! Steven Covey has criticized this book indirectly because he states that it "truncates the character base". It is THE book for sociopaths who will smile, call you by your first name, and grab your money. But I did have good results with this marketing system. We had a new manager at a telemarketing company. I felt horrible mainly because it is horrible work (which is why I go out of my way to treat these people decently). Anyway, the new manager came in and walked behind us. I knew later that she was Carnegie Trained. First, she called me by my name. Bill. Secondly, she said I had a good telephone voice. And third, she made my mistakes seem easy to correct. And finally she pointed out my mistakes indirectly. Well, I felt good and relaxed. Then my performance did
skyrocket in results! These are four Carnegie techniques. Now what does it matter if she "smudged" a bit. It's a hell of a lot better than being yelled at! The Carnegie system is still the world's best management system according to people whom I have interviewed. And you really only have to buy one book! If you are worried about being a "phoney", then you can buy Adam Khan's "Self-Help Stuff That Works" which is based om Martin Seligman's "Learned Optimism" and "How to Win Friends and Influence People". It's a bit tougher than Carnegie's approach, but not as pious nor as rigid as Covey's books. I do disagree with Khan on one point strongly and so would Carnegie I believe. In his chapter "Complaint Compunctions", Khan takes the position that you should NOT listen to someone bad-mouth a third person. That you should state, "I think it would be better if you took this problem to the person you are angry at." A bit tough. But I do agree with Khan and I believe Carnegie was amiss with Khan's chapter "Bad Apples". Khan claims, and rightly so, that there are simply some people you can't deal with. They are covered with mud and no matter what you try in dealing with them, you will have mud over you after trying to deal with them. So deal with them as little as possible even if they are your employees. Advice to the wise. I think that Covey's disguised criticism can be covered with Khan's chapter "Forging Mettle" which displays a "people-oriented" approach to dealing with human beings. Buy this book if you don't want to sink. And buy "Self Help Stuff That Works " if you want to stay aflaot. Good luck.
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am 5. April 1999
I haven't read the book yet, but after reading all these praising reviews, you can bet that I'll be at my library renting it to read over. Life is, indeed: short. Sometimes your ahead, sometimes your behind, in the end: the only competition is yourself. I just graduated from High School last year, and I'm 18 yrs old. So many thoughts are passing through my mind, I've also bought Napoleon Hill's: Think and Grow Rich. I have a door 2 door job which allows me to interact with my city, and hopefully I can put Carnegie's principles to work. The world would be a better place to live in, raise kids in, if the ideas of this book could be implemented. Financially, I am free at the age of 18, believe it or not. But I still continue to read, develop the mind, and actively pursue what life has to offer. The more you give, the more you receive back, whether in money, love, and in relations. With a full life ahead of me, I plan to put my life to good use by reaching down and touching the Souls of people. (Man,Woman, or child) There's a saying that: "To know a person is not to know that person's face, but to know that person's heart'. So very true. Though we put on masks and do some pretending, each of us are humans with the same basic emotions, feelings, wanting to be loved and appreciated. So 'GIVE' of yourself, you'll find that you'll receive back plenty in return. Currently, studying up on Business Systems, and the demographics of society, one day I'd love to meet visionary's like Bill Gates or Micheal Dell, who had the vision to better society's lives through Technology. So many unsung hero's in this world today. So next time you pass a weary face in the back of the bus. Reach out to him, .......and remember: it all begins: with 'Your Thoughts'.
God Bless Everyone.
Have a GREAT day.
Martin.
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am 23. August 1998
FANTASTIC!!!
This book was given to me as a gift when I was 22 years old and it changed my life!
I was a 22 year old manager of a retail store attempting to do my best to motivate and lead my "troops" by example.
All would admit that no one worked harder than I, arrived any earlier than I or was willing to invest as much time as I did.
Despite the intent and even the eventual success my stores would ultimately achieve, their seemed to always be about a 5 to 6 month "lag" time before the stores would really take off.
This book helped me find the answer in myself!
I had attempted to direct and motivate sales people by working hard as the example and then fear and intimidation for the rest.
That was my mistake!!!
No wonder I would have tremendously poor retention of ones who may have been my best employess. It was either "change your people or change your people". I was changing ones who were not a fanatic like I was....... Changing them right out the door!
What a terrible waste!
This book made so much common sense, that it aided me to eliminate that "lag" time.
Since, I have given this book to dozens of others too. Even my own children have the a copy and I require them to read this book.
Not to take anything away from God's word the Bible, but this book like the Bible, provides a pathway for Life!
This book has had a rippling affect for many people just from my mutliple times I have read it.
Today, 21 years later I still espouse the value and wisdom Dale Carnegie was able to share with us. I still use it's precepts in the methodology of my training with great success.
I encourage everyone, please....... read this book again and again.-Daniel Maisel - GTE National Sales Trainer
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am 24. April 2000
The old adage is "you can only teach someone something that they want to learn". So many people are unconsciously incompetent about their ability to effectively and usefully communicate with others. It is these people who will not deliberately read this book. They must be tricked into it.
The beauty of Carnegie's classic is that every page continually reminds the reader why they should keep reading the book. On the first read, every chapter has the potential to make you feel terribly uncomfortable about your behaviour in the past. You might put it down in disgust, but Carnegie continually reminds you _why_ each point in his book is so important.
It is filled with stories, stories, and more stories. One thought per chapter, dozens of stories per thought.
If you are having trouble convincing someone to read this book understand one thing: it's not your fault; they just do not know why they need to read it. The paradox is that by reading it they will learn why they need to read it. Trick them into starting to read it, and Carnegie will entice them to keep reading. Wait until they mention a problem with friends at work, for example, and off-handedly suggest that Chapter X from this little book might be helpful. Use the old reverse pyschology on them; tell them not to read any other chapters. That might work!
If you think someone you love or care about should read this book and you cannot get them to do it, then perhaps you yourself might need to read the book again! :)
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am 3. Juni 2000
I first read this book when I was 15. It struck me then and it strikes me now. It never occured to me that my presentation when speaking to someone could actually influence my ability to communicate.
There are two points in particular that I remember. The first is where Carnegie describes a doctor preparing to give a presentation. The doctor was knowledgable about the subject he chose but the practice presentations he gave were not well received. Carnegie advised the doctor to pick a subject he felt passionate about and BOOM, the doctor was getting a standing ovation. Keep in mind this was not a manipulation, the doctor was speaking from his heart and meant what he was saying.
The second part thst has stuck with me for 25 years was seeing things from other peoples point of view. As a fifteen year old this was a rather radical idea ! Yet, this simple concept has been one of those things that has supported me in my life in SO many ways.
There is another book that I would highly recommend to you as well, "Working on Yourself Doesn't Work", by Ariel and Shya Kane. The Kanes have an approach that is both profound and simple. There are no rules to follow, no long lists of Do's and Don'ts, and no preaching. The key to their approach is Awareness. The Kanes define Awareness as a non-judgmental seeing of what is. The effects on my personal and professional life have been incredible and lasting. Do yourself a huge favor and get this book.
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This tried and true book is so good that it should be taught in school systems everywhere. It is a book about building relationships and without good relationships; friendships, family life and business success are hard to find. Simple suggestions, like share your own weaknesses before trying to help someone realize that they too have flaws, and you have succeeded when you give someone an idea and they think they had the idea first are among the gems in HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE. The idea is that with the right people skills, you can do anything you want to do. Unfortunately, many of us have been conditioned to stop before we succeed. We are "stalled" I have just read a fascinating new book that describes these "stalls". We all suffer from The Communications Stall (our messages are not understood or we don't hear what others say), The Disbelief Stall (believing that we can't do it), The Tradition Stall (we've always done it this way, so why change), The Bureaucratic Stall (too many unproductive policies and procedures to get in the way), The Misconception Stall (based on poor assumptions) and The Unattractiveness Stall (not wanting to wade in murky waters). Then the authors go on to share the steps that show you to make real progress faster than you thought possible. Stop "stalling" and read HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE and THE 2.000 PERCENT SOLUTION. You will be glad that you did.
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am 20. Mai 2000
Even though this book was written decades ago, I found insights into human nature that are universal. Carnegie has a unique flair for getting his point across with humor and teaching us all to be a little more humble and a lot more caring about other people. It is an excellent collection of wisdom not only from him, but the hundreds of people he interviewed, so it's like centuries of distilled experience. The only thing about this book that one has to be careful with is that some of the advice could be used in a self-serving way. I truly believe Carnegie's intention was to make everybody realize that if you act selflessly, you will ultimately get what you want, but it would be easy to cloud that into manipulating people for your own ends if one is not aware.
A deeper understanding of human nature and our own indivdual behavior can be found in another, more recent book: "Working on Yourself Doesn't Work" by Ariel and Shya Kane. Their approach is much more personal and has more to do with looking at oneself to see how we really behave instead of trying to change that behavior. The Kane's book had a far greater impact on my life than Dale Carnegie's and made me realize how easy and fun life could be by just bringing awareness into it. Whether or not you have read "How to Win Friends and Influence People", The book by the Kanes will show you how to do this and so much more about life.
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