Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love [Englisch] [Taschenbuch]

When it comes to communicating about sex, there's often a gap between what we want to say and how we say it, and even the gentlest of words can come off as confrontational. Criticism, expressed or perceived harshly, can be the sexual kiss of death.

Anthropologists have long observed that women are "face-to-face" communicators, while men do so "side by side." This means that women are much more comfortable with direct eye contact, which probably has a lot to do with the long history female history of maternal nursing, cuddling, and generally fawning over their infants while staring lovingly into those big baby eyes.

Men, on the other hand, find direct eye contact extremely confrontational on an instinctive level. As Dr. Helen Fisher writes in her remarkable book, Why We Love, "This response probably stems from men's ancestry. For many millennia men faced their enemies; they sat or walked sat by side as they hunted game with their friends."

As a sex therapist I get asked all the time, "How do I talk to my guy about sex without making him defensive?" Now I will offer the advice, "unless you want your words to usher him into battle, use evolution to your advantage, and have a sex-talk while taking a walk or a drive."

Thanks Dr. Fisher for the infinite wisdom that abounds on every page of this remarkable book!

"Why We Love" is one of the most interesting books available today on the subject of love. From years of empirical research finally comes a fact filled fascinating book on love. Helen Fisher examines the chemical basis of love; yes there are chemical changes when you are in love. From workings of specific chemicals like dopamine, norepinephrine, and seratonin to fMRI examinations of the brain the book is packed with hard empirical research results. In addition to this she looks at evolutionary factors in things like how we choose our mate and how that process is different for men and women. Not to leave any stone unturned she also discusses the problem of lost love and its effects on our body and emotional health. Finally she discusses how to make romance last and includes a fascinating section on intimacy differences between male and female. "Why We Love" deserves the highest recommendation that I can give and is a book that I am likely not only to recommend but also to purchase as a gift for others who want to understand the phenomenon of love. Bravo Helen Fisher for such an enlightening work that is sure to become the new standard by which similar works will be judged.

This book suceeds on two levels. First, it is scientifically rigorous, though speculative. (those who accuse Fisher of being a popularizer obviously have never read her technical journal articles, nor other articles on this subject by researchers. She is no more speculative than they.) Second, it is existentially enlightening and empathetic. Fisher does not just wish to share her scientific insights into romantic love, she wishes to let you know that she feels your pains and joys. She wishes to explain and understand.

Fisher begins by laying out the basic external and internal manifestations of romantic love. What does it do to people? Here she is spot on. It causes us to focus our energy on the beloved, endow that person with special meaning, increases our energy, etc. Most importantly, it causes obsessive, intrusive thinking. We can't go a minute without the object of our desire popping into our head! Now, I am not a betting man, but I am sure everyone can relate to this description.

After describing the basic characteristics of romantic love, Fisher discusses the possible neural underpinnings that cause such intense feelings. She speculates that humans have three different systems: 1)Lust. This is mostly controlled by testosterone. This drive causes one night stands and other stupid behaviors us men seem to excell at. 2) romantic love. This drive is caused by increasing dopamine levels stimulating 'pleasure centers' in the brain. Specifically, the ventral tegmental area, caudate nucleus, and probably the nucleus accumbens. Romantic love probably also involves an increase in norepinephrine and a decrease in serotonin. The last is worth a brief explanation. It is well known that increased levels of serotonin are correlated with a sense of serenity, good moods, and an ability to inhibit behavior. So, would it not make sense for romantic love to raise levels of serotonin? No, actually it would not. Serotonin is known to be very low in people who suffer from obsessive compulsive disorder. Does this sound familiar? Indeed, people who have early-stage romantic attachment are very obsessive. It seems that the drop in serotonin is partially responsible for our wild inability to control our thoughts during this intensely emotional stage. 3) attachment, or bonding. This stage seems to be modulated most by two very important peptides: Vasopressin and Oxytocin. Both of these peptide/hormone/neurotransmitters are responsible for creating pleasurable sensations and feelings of calm. They are also known to be the causal forces behind pair bonding in rhodents. Humans are certainly more complex than rats, but evolution is very conservative. It is reasonable to postulate these peptides as important players in the pair bonding game.

After dipping into the scientific goo, Fisher speculates on the evolution of our three mating drives. Why do humans have three? Lust evolved to spread our genes far and wide. It is the drive that makes us seek partners on the quick. Romantic love evolved to bring indviduals close together for longer periods of time. In humans this is important because we have systems of biparental care where both parents are vital in ensuring the survival of offspring. The pair bonding system probably evolved for the same reason as the romantic love system, except humans needed the bonding part to stay together during the long stage of infant development. The longer a man stayed around to provide his child with resources the better.

There are many more details, speculations, and findings reported in this fascinating work, but you will have to read it for yourself.

Personally, I am amazed at the explanatory power of Fisher's synthesis. I remember pining long hours (days, months) over many pulchritudinous young women. Some got so stuck in my noggin that I couldn't concentrate for weeks. I thought I was going mad. It seemed to me at the time that the best description of the feeling was addiction. That is, I felt like I was consistently being shot up with a powerful drug and if I didn't get my fix, I would go crazy. Hence the obsessive attempts to be around my crushes. How pathetic I was!! Yet, when I read Fisher's work, I realized love is like a uber-powerful drug. Dopamine is scandalous in its workings. How much heart-ache and bliss have our neurotransmitters caused us? How much irrational poetry and music?

To understand this feeling will not help you feel happy when you are rejected, nor will it take the pleasure away if you fall in love. It may, however, give you some peace of mind and put things into perspective.

Great book!