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What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal (Englisch) Gebundene Ausgabe – 4. September 2012


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What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal + Die Vermessung der Liebe: Vertrauen und Betrug in Paarbeziehungen + Die 7 Geheimnisse der glücklichen Ehe
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Produktinformation

  • Gebundene Ausgabe: 304 Seiten
  • Verlag: Simon & Schuster (4. September 2012)
  • Sprache: Englisch
  • ISBN-10: 1451608470
  • ISBN-13: 978-1451608472
  • Größe und/oder Gewicht: 15,5 x 2,5 x 23,5 cm
  • Durchschnittliche Kundenbewertung: 4.0 von 5 Sternen  Alle Rezensionen anzeigen (2 Kundenrezensionen)
  • Amazon Bestseller-Rang: Nr. 158.862 in Fremdsprachige Bücher (Siehe Top 100 in Fremdsprachige Bücher)

Mehr über den Autor

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Produktbeschreibungen

Pressestimmen

“In an easy-to-understand format full of anecdotes, imaginary dialogues, and analogies to game theory, Gottman explains lack of trust in a relationship … The practical tools to evaluate current relationships and step-by-step methods for avoiding betrayal, repairing relationships heading toward crisis, or healing a relationship after a crisis will be useful to couples who want to look honestly at healing chronic hurts and improving the state of their relationship, and are ready for a system to help them.”—Publishers Weekly

"Instructional and enlightening..."—Kirkus Reviews

“In What Makes Love Last? (Simon & Schuster), John Gottman and Nan Silver address a broad spectrum of betrayals beyond bed hopping and backstabbing, from emotional cheating to absenteeism. For couples who are ready to heal (and open to having sex), they offer methods meant to help the brokenhearted and distrustful evaluate the current state of their marriage, pull a damaged relationship out of the fire, and, one hopes, preempt future bad behavior.” (Vanity Fair)

Über den Autor und weitere Mitwirkende

John Gottman is the author of numerous academic articles and author or coauthor of forty books, including the bestselling The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. He lives on Orcas Island, Washington.

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2 von 2 Kunden fanden die folgende Rezension hilfreich Von drweyers.de am 11. September 2013
Format: Kindle Edition Verifizierter Kauf
Die Journalistin Nan Silver und John Gottmann, profilierter Paarforscher und -therapeut, fassen hier gut lesbar zusammen, was die Liebe lange leben lässt: Sie bieten hilfreiche Anleitungen (z. B. für innige Gespräche und dazu, wie alte Verletzungen heilen können) und Checklisten (z. B. zum Status Quo der Beziehung). Diese Praxistipps untermauern sie mit zahlreichen Forschungsergebnissen aus Gottmans 'Love Lab', in dem die Glücks- und Unglücksstrategien tausender Paare untersucht wurden.

Gottman und Silver beschreiben sehr anschaulich, was Paaren nutzt und: Was der Liebe schadet. Dabei fokussieren sie die zentrale Bedeutung von wechselseitigem Vertrauen. Unter dem Stichwort 'Betrug' fassen sie zusammen, was Vertrauen und Liebe zerstört. So beschreiben sie, woran Menschen erkennen können, wenn sie gerade in eine Affaire schlittern (z. B. an negativen Vergleiche und Verschweigen). 'Betrug' am Partner sind nach Gottman und Silver aber auch: bedingtes Commitment, nicht-sexuelle Affairen, Lügen, Koalitionsbildungen, Abwesenheit und Kälte, sexuelles Desinteresse, Respektlosigkeit, unfaires Verhalten, Egoismus und Versprechen zu brechen.

Eine Stärke des Autorenteams bilden die ebenso einfachen wie einpräsamen Bilder, in denen sie die Königswege zu langem Liebesglück komprimieren; so z.B. die 'three boxes', in die sich alle Interaktionen eines Paares einordnen lassen: 'nice, nasty, neutral' (nett, gemein, neutral). Die Überraschung dabei: Neutrale Aktionen tun der Liebe viel besser als zunächst vermutet.

Neben Interviews, Tests und Beobachtungen erkundet Gottman die Liebe auch spieltheoretisch.
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Format: Kindle Edition Verifizierter Kauf
Há alguns aspectos novos neste livro, mas 80% das ideias já foram desenvolvidas em livros anteriores. Alguns elementos novos sao interessantes, como a parte dos "negative comps"...recomendo!
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Die hilfreichsten Kundenrezensionen auf Amazon.com (beta)

Amazon.com: 65 Rezensionen
40 von 42 Kunden fanden die folgende Rezension hilfreich
Gottman does it again - exceptional research, practical advice! 16. Oktober 2012
Von Dr. Kathy Nickerson - Veröffentlicht auf Amazon.com
Format: Gebundene Ausgabe
As a relationship expert myself, I am constantly reading books about healing from affairs, repairing marriage, and regaining trust in a damaged relationship. Dr. Gottman is truly a psychologist's psychologist; he has been researching couples and relationships for almost 40 years and every single one of his books contains practical advice. This book is no different and what really makes it stand out from all of the other relationship books on the market is that it is based on research, not hunches or guesses.

In this book, Gottman discusses the impact of betrayal on a relationship and how repeated betrayal erodes the foundation of a marriage. He describes how partners who have lost trust in each other frequently end up in very negative cycles of continued arguments. Gottman goes on to give readers many practical tools and tips, including how to measure your current trust level, how to analyze your contribution to an argument, how to rebuild trust, and much more.

Quite simply, if you or someone you know is working to repair their marriage after an affair or trust injury, there's no better book on the market. I couldn't recommend it more highly.

Kathy Nickerson, PhD
DrKathyNickerson.com
32 von 34 Kunden fanden die folgende Rezension hilfreich
Most meaningful research based Relationship Advice I've ever read 14. Oktober 2013
Von Leo Ostapiv - Veröffentlicht auf Amazon.com
Format: Kindle Edition Verifizierter Kauf
While writing mine HOME FINANCES for COUPLES. Resolve Money Problems in Marriage and Learn Easy Steps to Manage your Family Budget I've read several relationship books, this one is in TOP 3. Here is my review:

Loving partnership gives us wonderful gifts that make life worth living: a sense of purpose, greater health and wealth, and, of course, loving care and nurturance. We all desire to have it. But, how to make it last for decades?

"What Makes Love Last" is very different from any other relationship book I've read before. Dr. Gootman knows his subject in depth.

POSITIVE IMPRESSIONS
- Conclusions and recommendations are based on the objective data from scientific studies
- Number of useful assessment metrics and tests (measure trust metric, accessing sex and romance, "is this a real thing" quiz, etc)
- A perfect balance between sientific and general writing style.
- Lots of valuable advice (I took about 3 pages of notes)

SOME VALUABLE NOTES
- The Zeigarnik effect about unresolved issues (people remember uncompleted or interrupted tasks better than completed tasks)

- Negative comparisons lead to betrayal

- Relationship killers are founded on two building blocks: deception (not revealing your true needs to avoid unpleasent conflict) and a yearning for emotional connection thats seems unavailable from the partner

- Attunement : ability to understand each other at a deep level and lovingly express that knowledge to each other

- Not to give advice unless asked. Just being there and listening is an enormous contribution

- Turn to each other during sliding door moments. Do not move onto negotiating a compromise until you can say to each other Yes you got it. That is exactly my position and what I am feeling.

- Stick to "I feel" "I need" statements instead of "You don't...", "You should"

- When partners are upset, their negative emitions line up like dominos. What else are you feeling ? Is there more you want to say?

- Listener: pause and breathe, write down what your partners says and any defensiveness you are feeling, remember your love and respect (in this relationship we do not ignore one another plans, I have to understand this hurt)

- The sexually active partners had a closer friendship and were commited to making sex a priority.

- Most women want sex sex when they already feel emotionally close, but for men sex is a way of becoming emotionally close.

-Five dimensions of interview to predict risk of divorce:
* Positive vs negative past memories
* I vs WE statements
* Still remember love map detais of memorable moments and partner's inner world
* Telling how they struggle and overcome difficulties instead of chaos description
* Feeling of satisfaction with the relationship vs disappoitment

- When a man realizes how critical it is that he make his wife feel secure, their relationship reaps enormous benefits.

- Description of trust game (Individual who risk trusting others benefit more than those who are suspicious)

- Enduring love comes when we love most of what we learn about the other person and can tolerate the faults they cannot change

CRITICS

- Beside sex chapter the book has too brief advice on "How to improve it" after the measurement was take.
- It's age resistant relationship advice, but still it would be good to mention some modern family challenges (Dual income household, impact of Facebook and mobile...)
- Money and household economics is often an issue, the book has no mentions of money problems and dealing with them

CONCLUSION
The book provides unique relationship assessment tools and illuminates what it takes to create a relationship that is mutually satisfying and adds profound meaning to your life.

Leo Ostapiv
19 von 21 Kunden fanden die folgende Rezension hilfreich
Okay..... 11. Februar 2013
Von Adele Roof - Veröffentlicht auf Amazon.com
Format: Gebundene Ausgabe Verifizierter Kauf
Gottman has some very good ideas, but if you have read other books by him, there wasn't much new here that he hasn't said in previous books.
23 von 29 Kunden fanden die folgende Rezension hilfreich
Best relationship book out there! 7. Oktober 2012
Von Amazon Customer - Veröffentlicht auf Amazon.com
Format: Kindle Edition Verifizierter Kauf
This book is well researched and is the best book I've read on making a relationship last. It contains specific actions you can take and list areas of caution, not a bunch of psychological, theoretical jumbo-jumbo. I plan to buy a copy for each of my kids as they start looking for life partners; it is that great.
5 von 5 Kunden fanden die folgende Rezension hilfreich
An Odd Book That Doesn't Live Up to the Promise of Its Cover Nor Its Author 16. November 2014
Von Fine Games for Players & Collectors - Veröffentlicht auf Amazon.com
Format: Taschenbuch Verifizierter Kauf
An OK book, but a real disappointment as the capstone of a 40year career of a relationship researcher. Buy 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work instead if you haven't read it already.

This book is odd in that the author (and named assistant author) can't seem to get out of research mode and talk in English to the points this mass market book should answer for its intended audience. Instead, we get far too many pages on the methodology of his research instead of the wisdom of his conclusions drawn from 40 years of such research.

We get a slightly more nuanced view of what builds trust and communication & avoids destroying the same than was in his 7 Principles book of 20 years ago. But not by much. Just the idea of "attunement," really. And many additional details. With some patience -- this book is a far less enjoyable read than 7 Principles -- one can learn some very valuable points about sustaining a relationship, especially a long term romantic one. But it is work. Work that the authors should have done, in my opinion, rather than the reader.

Gottman elects to assert his value regarding porn, and does so in such a way that would endear him to Ann Landers. In short, he equates what he describes as the common male use of port as functionally equivalent to the betrayal of an affair. Chapter 4 is only 6 pages long, offering no evidence of research. Instead, we are led to take him at his word cause he's said so.

Worst of all, Gottman descends into a bit of mental masturbation in his Appendix 3: Why Some Couples Stop Having Sex: A Game Theory Analysis. By mental masturbation, I mean that someone is using one of their pet topics to stroke their own egos (without regard to what it provides to us). In this appendix, Gottman goes on at great length using the mathematics and logic of game theory to "explain" why a strategy of allowing a partner to say "no" to "do you want to have sex?" without repercussion will maximize the likelihood of future sex. Trouble is, the message I summarized in that last sentence is buried in entirely meaningless & useless mathematical assertions NOT borne out by any evidence of research. Assertions that go on 15pgs. Gottman dwells on the math rather than the meaning.

And that is largely my complaint about the whole book. Making whatever wisdom the man has less than easily accessible to his readers. The man has had a unique, 40yr experience researching romantic relationships. But drawing the real wisdom out of the guy, and leaving his crotchety values behind, is an uncompleted task.
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