Note: I received this book for free from Zondervan in return for this review. However, this did not influence my review of the book and I have attempted to be fair and impartial in the review.
After finishing this book this morning before church, I went up to my wife, with tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat and said, "I wish I had this book three years ago."
I am the father of two wonderful girls (and when I let them get online on their own, I hope that they'll already know and understand this). One will be 11 in just a couple of weeks, the other is 8. For the eleven-year-old, I sympathize greatly with Jim Rue in this book. There are times when I feel like it is too late, that I've made too many mistakes and that the damage has been done. And perhaps it has. But that's one thing that Jim does in this book in that he, as a father himself, has his own regrets but he does share a hope at the end that I think all father's should read.
So, what is this book about? Basically, if there is ANY book that a father of a tween should have memorized or engraved on the inside of his eyelids, this is it. Of course, I haven't read many books for dads of tweens but perhaps that's because there aren't very many, at least not from a Christian perspective. Essentially, this book walks you through the murky, messy thoughts and emotions that go through your daughters head in the pre-teen years. The way Jim and Nancy Rue do this is through anectdotes (both true and made up), subtle humor, and a good bit of blunt honesty about how lost dads get when dealing with their female daughters. Mixed into this all are scripture references that give a Biblical guide to the fact that, yes, what your daughter is going through is healthy, normal, and actually not that bad. When we as fathers despair at whether or not our daughters will grow up to be proper, godly, young women, it is so refreshing to be told, "Don't worry. It's normal. Take it easy and be gentle and really, it will all work out."
Probably the most useful chapters for me were the chapters on the emotional roller coaster of the tween years ("She'll Be Crying In A Minute"), her self image ("Who Is She Today?"), and the inter-relational mess of tween girl friendships ("Dealing with Girl Drama"). My eight-year-old has started dealing with the complex friend relationships and I actually got to use that chapter just the other week. My eleven-year-old also has some of that girl drama going on but for her, the self-image and emotional turmoil have especially been a trial for me to get a handle on.
The best tools I found in this book were the self evaluations of my understanding of my daughters that come with each chapter. I am a clueless father, or at least I think I am, so it is nice to be able to have some place to go to get a general idea of how clueless (or not) I really am and then get some good, practical, experienced advice as to how to become less clueless. To be honest, I'm not as bad off as I thought I was. It helps, I guess, to have a wonderful wife as a partner in this journey who has been great at giving me those little glimpses into the minds of my daughters.
The only complaint I have about this book is that it is definitely written towards dads whose tweens are immersed in the culture and involved in the KGOY (Kids Getting Older Younger) marketing blitz. While my girls are not completely sheltered from this, they don't seem quite as over-run by the pressures of the "popular" culture. Perhaps this is not so bad, that I can take comfort that my life with my kids might not be as rocky as for some other dads. But there is a subtle fear inside me that maybe I'm sheltering my girls TOO much, that perhaps I need to loosen up a little bit and let them explore these strange weird clothes, music, and TV shows that all the other girls are involved with. How can my Mini-Women discover who they are if I don't let them explore it (part of that "Who Is She Today?" chapter of things)?
Over all, if you're a dad of a tween daughter (or daughters, like me), this is an excellent handbook. If I could do so, I'd have this with me at all times. Next time my daughter bursts into tears or rolls her eyes at me, I can whip out the book, flip to the right page, and know EXACTLY what I need to do... or not. Don't want to get the "DAAAAAAAD!" voice, either.
In any case, the last chapter of the book, as I mentioned above, gives me hope. Jim Rue was not a model father either (something that gives great credibility to the advice of the book, learning from mistakes), but the letter that he shares from his now 30-year-old daughter tells all fathers that, no matter the screw-ups, as long as your daughter KNOWS you love her and you do your best to show it, she appreciates you and that you tried. God can redeem even the major faux pas of the past.
Oh, you want to borrow my copy? Not a chance. I have 2 years until teenager with one daughter and all of the tween years with the other. I need all the help I can get to remedy the past with the first and to not repeat the mistakes with the second.
