The Search to Belong: Rethinking Intimacy, Community, and Small Groups (Emergent Ys) [Kindle Edition]

I've been to countless seminars and read probably dozens of books on small group ministry. For the past couple of decades, we have consistently heard that the right small group programs will grow our church, create fully-devoted Christ-followers, ease the burden on pastors, return us to New Testament Christianity, etc. I've spoken loudly to that effect myself.

Yet as I have tried to implement them, I've found that either it doesn't work as well as advertised or there must be something wrong with me. Sure, there have been many people helped through small groups, but the small groups have also been accompanied by frustrations. Balancing fellowship-vs-study/accountability is always difficult; many people just aren't ready for that level of intimacy and accountability; and it usually isn't the ideal next-step for newcomers. On the other hand, the relationships built there are often very important to people. But now there's a fresh answer to help make some sense of it all.

Joseph Myers' "The Search to Belong" is a timely and refreshing look at what community really is. He explodes some of the myths of belonging that we have often believed. He helps us see, through research and experience, the four different "spaces" of belonging--public, social, personal, and intimate. What's more, he helps us see the value of each space, how relationships are carried on in each space, and how to balance them. Bottom line, people can feel a substantial level of belonging to a church on many different levels. Understanding people's genuine community needs, and working with it and affirming it will get us a lot farther than trying to fit everyone into the "intimacy" mold.

Myers has an inspiring chapter on "Searching for a Front Porch" in which he challenges us to find ways to interact with others in the in-between land of social, neighborly friendships--not "out there" in the public world, but also not "in here" in my private home. The book is probably worth it just for that chapter.

Not only are the principles in "The Search to Belong" applicable to church leadership, but understanding the four spaces of belonging goes a long way toward understanding our other relationships--in our marriage and family, neighborhood, work, etc. Good stuff; worth the read.

For several years my library has been littered with books describing how small group ministries are the salvation of the church. Any number of authors use anecdotal and biblical evidence to suggest that inimate small groupings are the ideal for the church, and that churches who want to survive and grow need to spend all their energy on small groups.

Joe Myers, on the other hand, brings years of church experience and thorough research on the nature of community to suggest that the small group movement in Christendom might not be all that it's cracked up to be. With this book, Myers invites questioning on the assumptions of small group ministries, and renergizes other types of ministries as well.

The core of Myer's work is based on the work of Edward T. Hall, who identified four types of social space: public, social, personal, and intimate. Building on Hall's research on the four spaces, Myers suggests that far too much time and energy has been directed on promoting intimate space as the ideal. Rather, churches need to not equate intimacy with significance. Thus, perhaps more efforts need to be directed at appreciating the value of public space, and promoting opportunities for social and personal space.

Focusing on the need for social space, Myers suggests that the loss of the front porch in American society (a primary mediator of social space) has been appropriated and devalued by the church. Myers argues for reclaiming the front porch mentality, which he sees behind the success of Starbucks and other gathering oriented businesses.

However, Myers doesn't only deal with theory. The book is written in a personal, narrative style filled with anecdotes and examples of what Myers is trying to say. His last chapter in particular describes an on-going conversation with a pastor in a local church who uses Myers thoughts as a basis for rethinking the ministries of their church. This chapter offers a practical application of what Myers is trying to say.

My one fear with this book is it's publication as a part of the Emergent/YS line will cause individuals to think that Myers work is limited to ministries in the postmodern setting. Myers book transcends the category of "emerging church," offering great insight for churches of all types, theological backgrounds, and ages.

I don't know how folks from an evangelical, conservative, mega-church background will relate to Myers work. What I do know is that it speaks to this mainline pastor in a medium sized congregation. Myers helps me to regain a sense of balance regarding the types of ministry available in my church. And I believe that his words offer a balance that would be helpful to all.

My family spends a week each year in a quaint old farmhouse with no television. "Quaint" and "TV" don't really fit. I always bring a variety of books just in case one of them ends up being a dud. This year I brought a John Grisham novel (it doesn't matter which one--they're all the same); In Love and War by James and Sybil Stockdale (Jim Collins just mentioned it one too many times); and The Search to Belong by Joseph Myers (which is on Carl George's nightstand).

Joe Myers' book was the first book of the week. I enjoyed his writing style, well, until I actually began to pay attention to what he was saying. Then, it just made me mad. In mid-paragraph I would stop reading to myself and begin to read the book aloud to my wife. "Listen to this guy: Joe Myers says, 'A church of small groups? Sounded like forced relational hell to me'" (page 10).

"Exactly," my wife responded.

"You, you can't say that. I'm the Small Groups Pastor. You can't say that." This was a matter of job security. The last thing I needed was bad P.R. from my co-leader and spouse.

I continued to read much like I watch Christian television or slow to see the wreckage of a car accident. With each page turn I anticipated that this guy would finally hang himself. What exactly was he getting at? What was his agenda? Did he envision the church as some sort of YMCA-like gathering place where belonging overshadowed belief?

The more I read, the more irritated I became. Jesus didn't commission us to go into the world and connect people. Yet, Joe Myers so much as invalidated "fully-devoted followers." What about Acts 2:42?!!

Just as I was about to write Joe off as one more neo- orthodox, emergent guru, something began to resonate in my thinking. Up to this point, I looked at our congregation and saw many disconnected people who needed to be in a small group. But, when we asked our members to take the Purpose-Driven Health Assessment, we were somewhat baffled by the results. You see the people who were in small groups and the people who were not in small groups rated themselves most highly in the same two categories: Worship and Connectedness. I thought, "Boy, we're going to have to re-educate our people on what it means to be connected. These people think they're connected, but they're not even in a small group. They don't even know what Connectedness means."

This book that I loved to hate gave me a key insight: Everyone in our congregation WAS already connected. Maybe not to each other, but they were all connected to somebody: a family, friends, co- workers, neighbors, and other church members. My job changed with one epiphany: I no longer needed to connect the unconnected. I just needed to invited folks to do a 6-week DVD-based Bible study with people they were already connected to. How simple is that?

I'm pleased to say that in our Fall campaign this year, just over 1/3 of our groups were formed exactly this way. Each week a group of friends, co- workers or neighbors are gathering in a home, a break room, even on a train and studying God's Word.

Thank you, Joe Myers for writing the book that I love to hate.

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