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Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child: Eliminating Conflict by Establishing CLEAR, Firm, and Respectful Boundaries

Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child: Eliminating Conflict by Establishing CLEAR, Firm, and Respectful Boundaries [Kindle Edition]

Robert J. Mackenzie
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Now You Can Effectively Parent Your Strong-Willed Child


In this fully revised and expanded second edition, Setting Limits author Robert MacKenzie is back with even more time-proven methods for dealing with misbehavior and creating positive, respectful, and rewarding relationships with children prone to acting out and disobedience.

Disruptive misbehavior, constant power struggles, manipulative or aggressive behavior--the challenges facing parents and teachers of strong-willed children can seem overwhelming at times. That's why thousands of parents and educators have turned to the solutions in Setting Limits With Your Strong-Willed Child. This revised and expanded second edition offers the most up-to-date alternatives to punishment and permissiveness--moving beyond traditional methods that wear you down and get you nowhere, and zeroing in on what really works so parents can use their energy in more efficient and productive ways. With fully updated guidelines on parenting tools like "logical consequences," and examples drawn directly from the modern world that children deal with each day, this is an invaluable resource for anyone wondering how to effectively motivate strong-willed children and instill proper conduct.

From the Trade Paperback edition.


  • Format: Kindle Edition
  • Dateigröße: 1252 KB
  • Seitenzahl der Print-Ausgabe: 289 Seiten
  • ISBN-Quelle für Seitenzahl: 0761521364
  • Verlag: Harmony; Auflage: 1 (3. August 2011)
  • Verkauf durch: Amazon Media EU S.à r.l.
  • Sprache: Englisch
  • ASIN: B000S1LHIK
  • Text-to-Speech (Vorlesemodus): Aktiviert
  • X-Ray:
  • Durchschnittliche Kundenbewertung: 5.0 von 5 Sternen  Alle Rezensionen anzeigen (1 Kundenrezension)
  • Amazon Bestseller-Rang: #206.194 Bezahlt in Kindle-Shop (Siehe Top 100 Bezahlt in Kindle-Shop)

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3 von 3 Kunden fanden die folgende Rezension hilfreich
5.0 von 5 Sternen Eminently Effective 3. Oktober 2010
SETTING LIMITS has risen to the very top of my recommendation list as it proves to have the most effective method that will get any strong-willed child (or any child) to listen & cooperate beautifully. First the author lists nine traits to help parents understand the temperaments of their children. A strong-willed child tests, resists and protests while the compliant children respond to discipline fairly well. Once a strong-willed child is identified, the book uses running through red lights as an example to illustrate how a strong-willed kid needs to receive consequence to learn the rule. If a police comes and gives only lectures, sermons and second chances, the message is that it's okay to run through a red light if one can put up with the annoying preaches (the permissive approach). And imagine again, the police comes and he yells, shouts and spanks with anger then the kid will probably feel he has been wronged(the punitive approach). Most parents alternate between the two and such inconsistency will cause more disruptive results.

The central idea of the book is so simple but it works like magic. When a child has done something wrong (running through red lights), give them consequences(tickets) right away. Strong-willed child will test, challenge but they are actually asking parents to hold firm and carry out consequence in a calm and respectable way. As a parents match their action with their words consistently, children learn to respect and take their rules seriously. Every success story told is a difficult child redeemed - a child that is STRONG and WILL listen very well now.
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Die hilfreichsten Kundenrezensionen auf (beta) 4.7 von 5 Sternen  280 Rezensionen
758 von 770 Kunden fanden die folgende Rezension hilfreich
5.0 von 5 Sternen THE discipline book for 2. März 2002
Von Derrick - Veröffentlicht auf
As a step parent of a very "Spirited" and "Strong-Willed" child, I can acknowledge first hand that the methods and philosophy of this book WILL promote harmony and cooperation. Maybe not initially but certainly in the long term. "Setting Limits" deals with discipline issues associated with the nine temperamental traits: 1.Persistance, 2.Intensity, 3.Regularity, 4. Distractability, 5.Energy and Activity Level, 6.Sensitivity, 7.Adaptability, 8.Reactivity, and 9.Mood.
The author is also the parent of two children, one compliant, easy going, and the other one strong-willed/demanding so he can relate with the parents who scream, "nothing works with this kid!".
This book is NOT about harsh punishement but rather teaches respectful limit setting, which is an essential teaching tool. It teaches parents to give children clear, respectful messages to convey the necessary information for the child to make acceptable choices. To focus on the behaviour in a way that does not belittle, criticize or shame the child. Although parents may genuinely feel that they are giving a clear "Stop" message to their child, they are sometimes unwittingly giving a yellow or even green light to unwanted behaviours. The strong-willed child interprets these vague massages as "Optional requests" or learns only that the behaviour upsets or angers the parent. This may lead to increased limit testing to see where the boundaries really are, especially if they enjoy making us jump and yell. It sometimes seems that Strong-willed children need to learn everything the hard way by agressivly testing all limits or restrictions (much more than compliant children) to see where the bottom line really is. They are aggressive researchers who leave parents little room for ineffective discipline. There is not much to prepare a parent for dealing with a strong-willed child, and unfortunately they tend to bring out the worst qualities in parents. A child that can argue and debate like a courtroom attorney, develop sudden hearing loss, or dawdle until you are late for work. Parents easily fall into ineffectual ruts of predictable reaction based on our own upbringing and parenting assumptions.
The good news is that the solution usually involves doing much less than what the parent is probably doing at present. You must accept and acknowledge that this is part of the childs personality/temperament, and that they will always need a little more structure and consistancy than compliant chidren. It does not mean they can't learn to cooperate and observe family rules. This book shows parents how and "WHEN" to negotiate rules, what behaviours should be ignored, which ones must be corrected and most importantly "How to do it!".
The most impressive part of all the books I've read by Robert J MacKenzie, is the weath of realistic examples. Every point is thoroughly illustrated for clarity, with discipline scenarios which all parents can readily idenetify with. There are sections on motivating your strong-willed child, encouraging independence, teaching skills, and role-modeling
The entire book is aimed at teaching your child self control. Some books on the challenging children seem more focused on avoiding conflict and undulging the child, which might be great for the short-term, but how can it possibly prepare the child for the real world.
I would also highly recommend reading the book "The Manipulative Child: How to Regain Control and Raise Resilient, Resourceful, and Independent Kids" by Swihart and Cotter.
Out of the dozens of parenting books I've read, "Setting Limits" is certainly one of the best written and sound discipline books for strong-willed children.
544 von 556 Kunden fanden die folgende Rezension hilfreich
5.0 von 5 Sternen A Clear, Sensible Philosophy for Setting Limits that WORKS! 29. August 2004
Von mary mom - Veröffentlicht auf
As a kindergarten teacher as well as a parent of strong-willed 5-year-old twin boys, I too often found myself yelling louder, reminding more often and searching for stricter punishments to get the children to cooperate...Nothing was working! I needed a new approach...and Dr. MacKenzie has given me the understanding and the tools to set limits effectively without losing my sanity. I learned how I was part of "the dance" of non-compliance and I realized that I would have to change my behavior first before I got a positive change in the behavior from the children. I learned the difference between "soft limits" and "firm limits" and the importance of my actions supporting my words; then, the kids began respecting the rules because they knew I would follow through with consequences. It was an eye-opener to realize that by me constantly reminding...I was actually teaching the children to ignore (at least the first few times because they knew more reminding was coming) giving unclear open-ended directions...I was actually setting the situation up for clarification, testing and conflict...and by bargaining and making deals out of desperation...I was actually giving the kids the opportunity to control the situation as they decided to up the ante the next time! The best part of this book is the real life examples of exactly what to say and not say to the kids. It is as if the author has been looking in my windows as my twins defy me in so many of the exact same situations. I was immediately comforted by the fact that I am not alone in trying to get compliance instead of defiance from my boys.

I also would like to recommend another very helpful A-Z compendium entitled "The Pocket Parent", a convenient pocket-guide with a very similar philosophy that is exclusively written for parents of normal but often challenging 2- to 5-year-olds. If you have toddlers and preschoolers, it is a great practical companion book to "Setting Limits" because you can simply turn to the specific challenging behavior of the moment (like hitting, morning crazies, interrupting, bad words, lying, whining, etc.) and get some quick bulleted suggestions to try. You do not have to read "Pocket Parent" cover to cover...but rather consult each chapter topic as you need it. Both books have great anecdotes and a welcome sense of humor throughout. "Setting Limits" and "The Pocket Parent" have helped me get more cooperation at home and at school and are both worthwhile additions to a home or school reference library!
183 von 189 Kunden fanden die folgende Rezension hilfreich
5.0 von 5 Sternen Highly recommended 20. September 2004
Von Michael Katz - Veröffentlicht auf
It is amazing how well this very great, very practical book documents typical family interactions. All of the examples are very realistic, and reading them makes you say, "Yes, exactly, that's exactly what happens with me and my child." By simply drawing these interactions out on a timeline, MacKenzie shows how much effort can go into verbal sparring with your child, and how this sparring is an insidious, counter-productive, and self-perpetuating process. I learned some simple lessons from this book that fundamentally changed for the better the way I interact with my 9 year old daughter.

First, some kids, for a variety of reasons, are strong-willed, and in most cases it's nobody's fault they are that way. So get over worrying about why your kid is strong willed. Parents who were compliant children themselves can be especially puzzled by their strong-willed children, and want to look for an answer to "what went wrong?" But in most cases nothing went wrong.

Second, when strong-willed kids challenge your rules with defiant/testing behavior, it is very easy to see the whole thing as a power struggle that they are constantly drawing you into as part of a sinister plot to make your life as unpleasant as possible. In contrast, MacKenzie very helpfully suggests that, when you child tests and challenges, you simply remind yourself that your child is strong-willed, and the way strong-willed childred learn about the world is to test limits. The purpose of testing these limits is not to make your life hell. It is their way of genuinely *asking* the question, is this thing I'm doing okay? That's their job, to ask questions about behavior in this way -- it's how they learn how the world works. So your job as a parent is to answer that question (usually the answer is "no") as clearly and consistently as possible, and to patiently answer it as many times as is necessary for the lesson to be learned. The kid tests, you reply with the clear answer, everybody's just doing their job.

Third, all of this can be done in an incredibly respectful way that is not punitive, threatening, or patronizing, without yelling or spanking. MacKenzie guides you through it step by step, using examples that ring true because they come from regular old real life.

If you are frustrated by your interactions with your strong-willed/difficult/defiant child, this book could very well make your life and your child's life much better.
216 von 228 Kunden fanden die folgende Rezension hilfreich
3.0 von 5 Sternen For the Child of AVERAGE Will 10. Oktober 2010
Von Rachel B. Ramey (blogger/author) - Veröffentlicht auf
Format:Taschenbuch|Verifizierter Kauf
Although I wasn't crazy about the author's derogatory tone toward any parent who spanks, I found this to be a great basic parenting book. It is not, however, truly geared toward parents of strong-willed children. The underlying premise of the book is simply, "Make your limits clear, enforce them - period - and your child will comply." As the parent of a very strong-willed preschooler (as well as a more "average"-willed grade schooler), I find this, frankly, offensive. His strong implication is that if my child is not behaving, overall, the way I would like her to be, then it must be because I'm permissive or overly harsh.

Actually, the children he describes in his examples are clearly not exceptionally strong-willed, because they all respond very quickly to simple consequences. They may not be exceptionally compliant, but neither are they particularly strong-willed. The strong-willed child will find any way humanly possible to circumvent consequences - or just hold out until they're through and then return to what he was already doing. Unfortunately, time outs (enforced as necessary by physically carrying the child to his room and then holding the door shut until time out is over) is the only suggestion he makes that I can imagine actually working with a strong-willed child. Even if I wanted to use time outs for everything, they don't work for everything, so the book still leaves parents of strong-willed children without the ability to consistently enforce the house rules.

To offer a few examples:
A situation is described in which a child arrives at the author's office and refuses to stop twirling his chair. As a consequence, he's told to sit in a stationery plastic chair. and he reluctantly complies. This would only work if we were prepared to physically place her in the other chair and then hold her there, probably screaming, the entire time we attempted to hold a conversation.

In another instance, a child was refilling his squirt gun from an off-limits faucet. As a result, he lost the use of the squirt gun - by handing it over to his mother. My strong-willed child would never have handed over the gun; unless we could forcibly remove it from her hands without fear of harming her (for instance, by accidentally breaking one of the fingers she has clamped around it), and then literally lock it away until she's allowed to have it back, this would never work.

As a final example, a preschooler is described as dawdling over getting dressed for preschool. She's given twenty minutes to finish getting dressed, at which point the clothes are gathered into a bag and loaded into the car along with the half-dressed child. We are told that the child will "scramble to finish getting dressed." Mine would not. Even if she would, how can a young child safely get dressed in the backseat of a moving vehicle?

All in all, I really did find this a good presentation of basic parenting principles. But for those who are already familiar with sound parenting, and seeking techniques that work with very stubborn children, it really isn't helpful.
88 von 92 Kunden fanden die folgende Rezension hilfreich
5.0 von 5 Sternen The bible of discipline 29. Dezember 2002
Von Ein Kunde - Veröffentlicht auf
I bought this book after being fustrated with my very strong willed 20 month old. It's not really geared towards toddlers but it applies all the parenting and discipline principals you need to use it on a toddler. It teaches you what parenting style you are and how it will relate to your childs attitude and then how to adjust the two to work together. I truly think this book has saved my life and both my husband and my sanity. We implemented the time out's as the book explains and after 1 week we saw a huge difference in our son. We no longer needed to raise our voice or smack his bottom to get a response from him. He would tune us out if we didn't. After the first week of using these methods he reverted and tested us more but the book says this is normal and by the third week we were finally getting another turn around in his behavior and responses. He no longer kicked and punched or bit when he was having a tantrum and if we asked him to stop playing with something that was off limits he would weight the consequences and 50% of the time test us to see if we would follow through with the time out. After 8 weeks I am proud to say he is an angel child. Temper tantrums are almost non existent and if you ask him to stop doing something he stops because he knows that we will follow through with the consequence (ie. time out or taking something away from him.) I am now telling everyone I know about this book. This book is not just for strong willed children it would work on any child and the chapter on different parenting styles is the key. I learned I was actually fueling a lot of the conflicts with my son. It helped me to see that both my husband and I had as much changing to do as we expected from our son. I also like that you achieve this with no yelling and no hitting. It's all based on consisitency. We hope everyone has as much good luck as we have had with this book.
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Parents who repeat and remind are actually teaching their children to tune out and ignore. &quote;
Markiert von 68 Kindle-Nutzern
Curt and Michaels mother doesnt waste her time with ineffective discipline. No yelling or threats. No arguing or debating. No lectures or sermons. No angry dramatic displays. She simply gives them a clear message with her words and supports her words with effective action. Her message is clear, and so is the rule behind it. She makes learning the hard way look easy. &quote;
Markiert von 54 Kindle-Nutzern
Strong-willed children need to experience your boundaries repeatedly before they accept them as mandatory, not optional. &quote;
Markiert von 54 Kindle-Nutzern

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