Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood [Englisch] [Taschenbuch]

Though I have never truly bought into it, there has always been a substantial amount of pressure just to act like everyone else, to lose my individuality, and there were people who thought I was a wuss, or a faggot, because I'm exceptionally well-read, intelligent, and outspoken.

Mostly, these people shut up when I demonstrate the reason I lead my division in percentage of baserunners thrown out stealing and total bases stolen.

Pollack writes about how boys relate to one another through action rather than speaking, another dead-on observations...people act as if boys are loners, but we're not. We have friends, but not by your narrow definition of friends.

People need to re-evaluate their thinking in light of these subjects and more. Our society asks young men to reconcile two entirely different images, a difficult task, and then tells a boy he must do it alone.

How absurd is that?

The novel Real Boys, by William Pollack, PH.D. discusses the way boys are made to adhere to a stereotype that prohibits them from being able to understand and express the wide range of emotions they experience through their development. What Pollack refers to as the "Boy's Code" are expectations society has of males to be independent, tough, free of weakness and reliance on others. Pollack believes boys are pushed into the world too quickly, without the tools to listen to their own inner needs and without the confidence that others will aid them in satisfying those needs. Pollack also analyzes the shaming tactics that are involved in the training of boys to this social code. Statements such as, "don't act like a girl" or "don't be such a wimp" serve to further push boys away from a competency in perceiving their own spectrum of emotions. Boys learn the only emotions they are able to reveal are ones of aggression of anger. Because of this, many boys are not in tune with sadness, loneliness and feelings of inferiority they possess. To express themselves many boys "act out" aggressively. In doing this they perpetuate the stereotype of males being "brutes". It may lead to difficulties in the home or at school. The acting on emotions and not dealing with understanding them often causes deeper emotion problems. Pollack talks about the danger of drugs adolescent boys may turn to in an attempt to numb the emotional pain they are experiencing. He also discusses attention deficit disorder and hyperactivity many boys exhibit because of the anxieties that have built up within them. Finally, violence and depression may result from boy's frustration and anger at having to bear the façade of strength and complete independence for so long. Pollack not only explores the problems and mixed messages society places on boys, but he offers suggestions in what he refers to as "listening to boy's voices". He acknowledges that it is difficult to avoid the "boy code" established in our society, but he reminds that boys can be encouraged to express themselves in their own way and at their own pace that will not cause them to be ostracisized from the rest of society. Pollack talks about providing safe areas in several of his chapters, where boys have the freedom to reveal their emotions without the fear of ridicule. Pollack talks about the need for interdependence opposed to independence. The difference being that boys do not have to be abandoned to show strength, but can attain that strength and healthy personal identity with the support of those care about them. Mothers do not need to separate from a boy child until he is ready, fathers can remind the boy that he loves him and is proud of him. Even if it seems like the boy is not receptive, these reminders serve to reassure the boy about his own worth and serve to model the expression of feelings the "boy code" oppresses. Real Boys effectively explores a problem concerning how society raises and develops boys. Pollack mentions that the modern view of what a man is describes one that is able to express emotion and empathize with the feelings of others. To achieve this, adults need to understand how to counteract the lessons society teaches through the "boy code". By employing Pollack's strategies, teachers and parents will help to create future men who are not detached from themselves, understand their own self worth and are more prepared to deal with the emotional needs of themselves and others.

It's helpful to see where boys have been given impossible expectations. It's shameful to see adults expect five-year-olds to be men. Boys shouldn't be expected to be self-sufficient. But surely it's OK to begin to teach nine-year-olds how to develop into men? I don't like the idea of a society with interchangeable genders. Women are more nurturing, men more protective-and that is a good thing. Frankly, a society that tries to train men to be as gentle as women will probably soon find the men irrelevant, because women will still do it more naturally.

It's interesting too how much the author tried to change the way people react toward boys under the guise of trusting one's instincts. First, a woman should not follow the Boy Code with boys (though she's inclined to do so)-she should instead follow her instincts. Strange, the description of how women relate to boys sounded pretty instinctive to me! Odder yet, the author is downright suspicious of men being allowed to follow THEIR instincts in encouraging boys to be tougher. Can you imagine a man not letting his wife teach their daughter to understand others' feelings? Why do we trust a woman's instincts on this more than a man's, if not that this new way of raising boys actually leans toward feminizing them?

Also, where is the role of discipline in expecting boys sometimes to do what's hard for them? Sure, boys have a hard time sitting in their seats, and teachers should know that and allow for creative breaks. But beyond that, boys (and girls) should be taught to do some things that are difficult for them. Cannot learning to sit still for periods of time lead to a harnessing of energy that will help the boy learn self-control? Sometimes a boy (or a girl) IS misbehaving, not responding to some emotion he's feeling. And boys and girls alike need to learn to obey authority even when they don't feel like it. It's the authority figure's responsibility, not the child's, to make the obedience as easy and pleasant as possible.