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Produktinformation
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Schnarch says that a man is more likely to let a relationship suffer in order to hold on to his sense of self, while a woman is more apt to let her identity suffer to help strengthen it. Schnarch gives explicit tips on how to alter this pattern, an essential step he calls "differentiation." He also explains why compromise isn't always the best route to take when conflicts arise. The couples profiled here deal with the usual suspects: uneven sexual desire and initiation, battles about oral sex, self-image problems, the "boondoggle" of trust (both of one's self and one's partner), and the specter of divorce. Instead of focusing on each client's weaknesses, Schnarch teaches how to find inner strength and resilience that can be used to reaffirm a relationship and reignite sex. William H. Masters of Masters and Johnson fame calls this book "a classic," and no wonder. --Erica Jorgensen
While other books focus on trying to communicate and on trying to nail down a specific pattern or behavior, this book recommends learning more about yourself and learning how to be true to yourself in order to act from that position in any relationship. Only by knowing what we want as individuals can we be true to others. Read this book, even if you think your relationships are great. You'll learn something about yourself and how you walk in the world.
David Schnarch's language is hard to get around, but the concepts, as applied to relationships are really worth the effort. We Christians say that God created sex to be great and marriage to be great, but most of us have real difficulty in living that out because we are stuck in "contract-style" relationships (I give so that you can give back to me and I can then feel good about myself) [borrowed functioning and reflected sense of self]. David's book can help transition us out of contract style relationships to "Covenant-style" relationships.
Though my girlfriend and I are a bit younger (and less married!) than most of the couples described in Schnarch's marvelous book, we have benefitted enormously from reading it together. Recently, we each read a chapter a week separately (we each have our own copy) and then met to discuss what we had read and how to apply it in our relationship. The basic Schnarchian notion that NO ONE is ready for marriage, that marriage MAKES you ready for marriage -- learning that was worth the purchase price alone. For those who are worn out by the tiresome platitudes of the Mars and Venus crowd, this is the ticket. Marvelous.
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