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I Need Your Love - Is That True?: How to Stop Seeking Love, Approval, and Appreciation and Start Finding Them Instead [Englisch] [Taschenbuch]

Byron Katie , Michael Katz
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28. November 2006
In Loving What Is, bestselling author Byron Katie introduced thousands of people to her simple and profound method of finding happiness through questioning the mind. Now, I Need Your LoveIs That True? examines a universal, age-old source of anxiety: our relationships with others. In this groundbreaking book, Katie helps you question everything you have been taught to do to gain love and approval. In doing this, you discover how to find genuine love and connection.

The usual advice offered in self-help books and reinforced by our culture advocates a stressful, all-consuming quest for love and approval. We are advised to learn self-marketing and manipulative skills—how to attract, impress, seduce, and often pretend to be something we aren’t. This approach doesn’t work. It leaves millions of walking wounded—those who, having failed to find love or appreciation, blame themselves and conclude that they are unworthy of love.

I Need Your LoveIs That True? helps you illuminate every area in your life where you seem to lack what you long for most—the love of your spouse, the respect of your child, a lover’s tenderness, or the esteem of your boss. Through its penetrating inquiry, you will quickly discover the falseness of the accepted ways of seeking love and approval, and also of the mythology that equates love with need. Using the method in this book, you will inquire into painful beliefs that you’ve based your whole life on—and be delighted to see them evaporate. Katie shows you how unraveling the knots in the search for love, approval, and appreciation brings real love and puts you in charge of your own happiness.

“Everyone agrees that love is wonderful, except when it’s terrible. People spend their whole lives tantalized by love—seeking it, trying to hold on to it, or trying to get over it. Not far behind love, as major preoccupations, come approval and appreciation. From childhood on, most people spend much of their energy in a relentless pursuit of these things, trying out different methods to be noticed, to please, to impress, and to win other people’s love, thinking that’s just the way life is. This effort can become so constant and unquestioned that we barely notice it anymore.

This book takes a close look at what works and what doesn’t in the quest for love and approval. It will help you find a way to be happier in love and more effective in all your relationships. What you learn here will bring fulfillment to all kinds of relationships, including romantic love, dating, marriage, work, and friendship.” —Byron Katie

From the Hardcover edition.

Wird oft zusammen gekauft

I Need Your Love - Is That True?: How to Stop Seeking Love, Approval, and Appreciation and Start Finding Them Instead + Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life + A Thousand Names for Joy: Living in Harmony with the Way Things Are
Preis für alle drei: EUR 32,75

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  • Taschenbuch: 288 Seiten
  • Verlag: Harmony; Auflage: Reprint (28. November 2006)
  • Sprache: Englisch
  • ISBN-10: 0307345300
  • ISBN-13: 978-0307345301
  • Größe und/oder Gewicht: 20,4 x 13,5 x 1,6 cm
  • Durchschnittliche Kundenbewertung: 4.0 von 5 Sternen  Alle Rezensionen anzeigen (2 Kundenrezensionen)
  • Amazon Bestseller-Rang: Nr. 54.883 in Fremdsprachige Bücher (Siehe Top 100 in Fremdsprachige Bücher)

Mehr über den Autor

Byron Katie, Jahrgang 1942, wuchs in Südkalifornien auf. Von der Mitte der siebziger Jahre an litt sie unter schweren psychischen Problemen, von denen sie 1986 durch ein Erleuchtungserlebnis spontan befreit wurde. Sie entwickelte "The Work", ein System der Selbsterkenntnis, das seitdem unzähligen Menschen geholfen hat. Ihr erstes Buch, das die Funktionsweise von "The Work" beschreibt, wurde ein internationaler Bestseller und liegt in deutscher Sprache unter dem Titel "Lieben was ist" vor. Byron Katie vermittelt ihr System auf Vortrags- und Seminarreisen in vielen Ländern der Welt.


Über den Autor und weitere Mitwirkende

Byron Katie (she was born Byron Kathleen Reid, and everyone calls her Katie) discovered inquiry in 1986. Everything in this book comes from The Work of Byron Katie, her remarkable method for finding happiness and freedom. Katie has been traveling around the world for more than a dozen years teaching The Work directly to hundreds of thousands of people. In addition, she has introduced The Work into business settings, universities, schools, churches, prisons, and hospitals. Her website is www.thework.com, where you will find her schedule, articles about her, registration forms, and basic information about The Work.

From the Hardcover edition.

Leseprobe. Abdruck erfolgt mit freundlicher Genehmigung der Rechteinhaber. Alle Rechte vorbehalten.


Have you ever felt that the harder you look for love, the more it seems to elude you? Or that seeking approval makes you feel insecure? If you have, there's a reason. It's because seeking love and approval is a sure way to lose the awareness of both. You can lose the awareness of love, but never love itself. Love is what we are. So, if love is what we are, why do we look for it so hard, and often with such poor results? Only because of what we think—the thoughts we believe that are not true.

You don't have to believe any of this. You can verify it for yourself as you read this book or when you put the book down and ask four questions about your own relationships, or lack of them, and discover how your life changes.

In the pursuit of love, approval, and appreciation, what do we think? We think that the love and approval of others are the keys to the kingdom—to every good thing in the world. We think that seeking romance brings love, a sexual partner, long-term closeness, marriage, family. And we think that trying to impress society—trying to win the admiration of the right people—is our best shot at bringing fame, wealth, and satisfaction into our lives.

So we think that if we succeed in the quest, we're home: safe, warm, and appreciated. And what if we fail? We're homeless, out in the cold, lost in the crowd, unnoticed, lonely, and forgotten. If those are the stakes, no wonder the quest can be so fearful and all-consuming. No wonder a compliment can make your day and a harsh word can ruin it.

The big, primitive fears rarely rise to the surface. Few people walk around actually thinking that they're about to fall through the cracks of society and vanish. Instead, thousands of anxious thoughts appear all day long: "Was I noticed?" "Why didn't she smile?" "Did I make a good impression?" "Why hasn't he returned my call?" "Do I look okay?" "Should I have said that?" "What do they think of me now?" It's a constant monitoring to see if we're gaining or losing ground in the grand approval sweepstakes. Those little doubts are rarely noticed or questioned, and yet they set in motion hundreds of strategies designed to win favor and admiration, or just to please. The unspoken belief is that unless people approve of you, you're worthless.

The irony is that the struggle to win love and approval makes it very difficult to experience them. Chronic approval seekers don't realize that they are loved and supported not because of but despite their efforts. And the more strenuously they seek, the less likely they are to notice.

How do we get into this predicament? For a few pages, we'll just look at the ways unquestioned thoughts create our experience. We'll see how often-unnoticed thoughts that most of us share lead us to needing, wanting, longing, and reaching for what we already have. The thoughts behind a familiar 3 a.m. anxiety attack are a good place to start.

Thought at 3 a.m.: Nothing Supports Me

Suddenly you wake up in the middle of the night, glance at the clock, and wish you were still asleep. A thought appears: "What's going to happen to me? It's a cold, uncaring universe. I don't know what to do." These thoughts were triggered by a mutual-fund commercial you saw last night, but you don't realize that. And the next ones come from a half-remembered motivational tape: "There are no guarantees in this world. Nothing's going to happen for you unless you make it happen." This thought provides a little boost, followed by a major deflation as you remember that self-reliance hasn't worked all that well for you. "I need so much. I have so few resources to get it. My survival skills aren't great, and basically I'm faking it. I'm helpless and alone. " The next thought brings some hope: "If I could just get more love from my family and friends, if just one person really adored me, if my boss really believed in me, then I wouldn't be so anxious, and I could count on being supported."

The thought "Nothing supports me without my efforts" is just one of the unquestioned and often unnoticed beliefs that set in motion the search for love and approval. Let's pause for a moment and explore the opposite.

Daylight Reality Check:Everything Supports Me

Do you know what supports your existence right now?

Just to scratch the surface of this, suppose you've eaten your breakfast, sat down in your favorite chair, and picked up this book. Your neck and shoulders support your head. The bones and muscles of your chest support your breathing. Your chair supports your body. The floor supports your chair. The earth supports the building you live in. Various stars and planets hold the earth in its orbit. Outside your window a man walks down the street with his dog. Can you be sure that he isn't playing a part in your support? He may work every day in a cubicle, filing papers for the power company that makes your lights come on.

Among the people you see on the street, and the countless hands and eyes working behind the scenes, can you be sure that there is anyone who isn't supporting your existence? The same question applies to the generations of ancestors who preceded you and to the various plants and animals that had something to do with your breakfast. How many unlikely coincidences allow you to be here!

To explore this for a while, look around and see if there is anything you can say for sure doesn't play some role in supporting you. Now look again at the 3 a.m. thought "Nothing supports me without my efforts." In this moment wouldn't it be more true to say, "Everything supports me without my efforts"? The proof is that here you are, sitting in your chair, doing nothing, being fully supported.

Everything supports you whether or not you even notice it, whether or not you think about it or understand it, whether you love it or hate it, whether you're happy or sad, asleep or awake, motivated or unmotivated. It just supports you without asking for anything in return.

Right now, sitting in your chair, as you breathe, notice that you're not doing the breathing, you're being breathed. You don't even have to be aware of it, you don't even have to remember to breathe, because that is supported too. Complicated and intricate as your requirements for existence might be, they are all being met. At this moment there's nothing you need, nothing you need to do. Notice how it feels to take in that thought.

Now think of something you don't have. I'm sure you can think of something. . .

The Thought That Kicks You Out of Heaven

The thought that kicks you out of heaven could be "I'd be a little more comfortable if I had a pillow." Or it could be "I'd be happier if my partner were here."

Without that thought, you're in heaven—just sitting in your chair, being supported and being breathed. When you believe the thought that something is missing, what do you experience? The immediate effect may be subtle—only a slight restlessness as your attention moves away from what you already have. But with that shift of attention, you give up the peace you have as you sit in your chair. Seeking comfort, you give yourself discomfort.

What if you did get a pillow? That could work (if you have a pillow). You may find yourself back in heaven again. It may be the very thing you needed. Or you could pick up the phone and convince your partner (if you have a partner) to join you, and maybe he or she would actually arrive. And perhaps you would be happier, and perhaps you wouldn't. In the meantime, there goes your peace.

The thought...

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15 von 15 Kunden fanden die folgende Rezension hilfreich
5.0 von 5 Sternen Ein Geschenk an die Welt 7. April 2005
Format:Gebundene Ausgabe
Das Buch gibt es vorerst nur in der englischen Version. Es ist aber, finde ich, relativ einfach zu lesen.
Katie macht so deutlich, wie wir durch unsere "Sucht", Liebe, Anerkennung und Wertschätzung von anderen zu bekommen, die Liebe, die schon da ist, verpassen. Wir bemerken sie manchmal gar nicht.
Grundlage des Buches ist die von Katie entdeckte Möglichkeit, das eigene Denken mit vier Fragen anzuschauen und durch unsere Antworten auf diese Fragen immer tiefer unsere eigene Wahrheit zu entdecken. Das häufigste Vorurteil gegen diese Arbeit (Katie nennt die Fragen "The Work") ist, dass sie zu einfach sei. Aber ich sehe es bei mir und so vielen anderen: Meine Antworten auf die Fragen bringen immer mehr Frieden, immer mehr Liebe in mein Leben. Ich lache oft nur noch über Dinge, die mir früher Stress verursacht haben. The Work ist eine wundervolle Art der Selbsterforschung.
Katie schreibt in ihrer bekannten, so humorvollen und liebevollen Art. Ihr Witz sprüht einem aus den Seiten des Buches förmlich entgegen. So macht Selbsterkenntnis richtig Spaß! Das Buch ist wirklich ein Schatz, der uns tief in unsere eigene Wahrheit hineinführt.
"Byron Katies The Work ist ein Segen für diesen Planeten." Eckhart Tolle, Autor von Jetzt! Die Kraft der Gegenwart.
War diese Rezension für Sie hilfreich?
3.0 von 5 Sternen Nichts neues... 14. Juli 2013
Format:Taschenbuch|Verifizierter Kauf
Also das Buch bietet nichts neues als all die anderen Bücher, es geht eigentlich die ganze um das gleiche Thema das immer wieder wiederholt wird. Also ihre Fragen in verschiedenen Situationen. Es reicht eigentlich wenn man The Work gelesen hat und dann reicht das auch schon.
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Die hilfreichsten Kundenrezensionen auf Amazon.com (beta)
Amazon.com: 4.6 von 5 Sternen  113 Rezensionen
178 von 191 Kunden fanden die folgende Rezension hilfreich
5.0 von 5 Sternen Transformative! 22. Juni 2005
Von Janet Boyer - Veröffentlicht auf Amazon.com
Format:Gebundene Ausgabe
"When you say or do anything to please, get, keep, influence, or control anyone or anything, fear is the cause and pain is the result. Manipulation is separation, and separation is painful. Another person can love you totally in that moment, and you'd have no way of realizing it. If you act from fear, there's no way you can receive love, because you're trapped in a thought about what you have to do for love. Every stressful thought separates you from people." - Byron Katie

Now, more than ever, the "disease to please" runs rampant through every social, economic, and spiritual stratum. Whether seeking to please or appease a boss, parent, teacher, preacher, partner, child, friend, or god, many are on an all-consuming quest for love, appreciation, and approval. Even self-help books add to the striving, encouraging and teaching manipulative skills for attracting, impressing, and seducing others by pretending to be something we aren't.

To put it bluntly, these approaches do not work. Having failed to find love or appreciation from others, millions become the "walking wounded"-blaming themselves and concluding they are unworthy of love. Some authors or gurus go a step further, admonishing individuals to "love yourself" while never addressing the painful root that no amount of bubble baths, candles, or pampering can quell: uninvestigated thoughts.

Byron Katie's revolutionary process of inquiry has transformed thousands of lives across the globe. Featured in her first book Loving What Is - Four Questions That Can Change Your Life, "The Work" involves challenging the uninvestigated thoughts that rule our lives. These chaotic stories-which often begin with a "should"-are the source of havoc, discord, and suffering. When met with four simple questions, stressful thoughts and assumptions disappear, allowing individuals to see a situation-and the people in their lives-in an entirely different light.

In I Need Your Love - Is That True? Katie applies The Work to relationships and the pursuit of love, admiration and respect. Showing how to take charge of our own happiness, she provides a step-by-step process for inquiring into some of the most painful, foundational beliefs that entire lives are built upon. When exposing these thoughts to the bright light of inquiry, clarity, peace and authentic love emerges. We then realize that we already are everything we've been looking for. As Katie says:

"...once you question your thoughts, you discover that you don't have to do anything for love. It was all an innocent misunderstanding. When you want to impress people and win their approval, you're like a child who says, `Look at me! Look at me!' It all comes down to a needy child. When you can love that child and embrace it yourself, the seeking is over."

In the chapter titled The Relationship Workshop, Katie shares actual dialogues of inquiry where she asked the questions and people participating in her workshops and schools answered them. Here are a few of the assumptions they investigated together:

* My Husband Doesn't Care About Fixing Our Relationship
* I'm Unlovable
* My Parents Should Love and Appreciate Me
* My Spiritual Teacher Let Me Down
* I Want Tons of Approval
* My Father Treated Me Badly
* I'll Lose My Girlfriend if I Tell the Truth
* I Need Him to Understand Me
* My Love Should Give Me Sex

With penetrating wisdom, Katie shows us how to come to our own rescue and disentangle love from need. By embracing what is, we refuse to argue with reality. Ironically, we then realize that what we were pursuing was really there all along.

The Work has literally changed my life. One example has been with my son, who was diagnosed with PDD-NOS when he was 3 years old. On the autistic spectrum, my son's behavior-as well as my fretting about his future-brought me much grief and physical distress (including IBS). After investigating the expectations and edicts of "experts" and family, clear wisdom bubbled to the surface from inside. Peace replaced worry and confidence replaced paralysis. I am now able to meet my son with joy and acceptance, loving his uniqueness and beauty. His behavior has changed dramatically, and his amazing progress has been quantified by psychologists. (Not that it matters!) I am convinced that loving what is has provided an atmosphere where he can blossom and thrive-and so can my husband and myself.

Every time I experience a stressful thought that induces anxiety or suffering, I am armed with four simple questions that can literally turn a situation around on a dime.

The more you investigate your thoughts, the easier it gets. You begin to see things for what they really are-reclaiming an innocent, lovable self and the glorious life that you were meant to live. What I said of Katie's first book also holds true for I Need Your Love - Is That True?: it replaces all the self-help books on your shelf because inquiry is the key to emotional freedom and genuine, effortless love.

Janet Boyer, author of The Back in Time Tarot Book: Picture the Past, Experience the Cards, Understand the Present (coming Fall 2008 from Hampton Roads Publishing)
66 von 70 Kunden fanden die folgende Rezension hilfreich
5.0 von 5 Sternen "It only takes one clear person to have a good relationship - and you are the one." 22. Februar 2006
Von Lisa Biskup - Veröffentlicht auf Amazon.com
Format:Audio CD
Katie is such a gift in this world! From a depressed, angry, fearful businesswoman and mother of three, living in the desert of California, to one of the most genuinely loving and real humans around, Katie offers us the opportunity to meet all our stresful thoughts with simple understanding and shows us how to achieve inner peace and clarity. In her first book, Loving What Is, Katie taught us a simple method of self-inquiry she calls The Work. The Work is four questions and what Katie calls a turnaround that can be applied to any thought that causes you stress, pain, frustration, anger and any negative emotion. If peace and happiness is what you are after, The Work is a fast ticket to that wonderful destination. The basic idea is that when we believe what we think, without asking ourselves, we suffer, and when we use The Work to question stressful thoughts, our mind opens and the effect of that is the heart opens as well.

In this new book, I Need Your Love - Is That True? Katie gives us lots of real-life examples of how The Work is being applied to relationship issues. No matter what type of relationship you are in, you may notice that you spend a lot of time wishing things were different. Does your boyfriend leave his dirty underwear lying on the floor? Does your girlfriend spend too much time with her friends and not you? Does your mom criticize you? Is your child "out of control?" These and so many other thoughts come into our mind and when we attach to them, thinking that "s/he or they" should be different, we suffer. And, the interesting part is that this hasn't really ever been very successful. Has anybody ever really changed because you thought they should? Because YOU"D be happier (you think) if they did?

Katie shows us, with so much love and humor, that when we take the time to question these thoughts, thoughts that we never even created, we meet them with understanding. When you notice that you do the same thing you are accusing your husband of doing (sometimes), your mind opens and rather than the typical frustration and anger you feel, you may experience understanding and peace, and you may find that your heart just opens wide up and you feel the love - the unconditional love that so many people speak of.

If you are interested in improving ALL your relationships, I highly recommend I Need Your Love - Is That True? When you realize you are the only one who can make you happy, life gets juicy and so much more fun and interesting. When you realize you are not a victim, you are empowered and the creative, infinite mind begins to take over and whooah hoo - baby! Just kick back and enjoy the ride.

I also recommend attending an event with Katie. She is quite amazing and they are so much fun - life changing for most people and incredibly inspiring as well.
94 von 107 Kunden fanden die folgende Rezension hilfreich
4.0 von 5 Sternen Something to Consider 29. Januar 2006
Von Casey Dawes - Veröffentlicht auf Amazon.com
Format:Gebundene Ausgabe
I Need Your Love -- Is That True by Byron Katie with Michael Katz, published by Harmony Books, 2005 (ISBN 1-4000-5107-X)

A client and friend sent me this book as a gift. We had touched on Byron Katie's work during our sessions, so it was appropriate. After reading it, I find I have moments of profound agreement with what Byron Katie says, and yet, I'm not 100% totally comfortable with it.

This book builds on Byron's earlier work in Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life.

I Need Your Love brings these questions to relationships. They are good questions because all too often we assume in relationships. We believe certain things should be true when they obviously aren't. We assume the motive behind what someone does when we haven't the foggiest idea of it's true. I don't know about you, but I've carried on whole conversations with people entirely in my head and been darn mad at them -- even before they've opened their mouths!

Byron also questions our own motives in a relationship. Are we trying to get our partner to do the work on ourselves that we should be doing? Are we needy and seeking approval all the time? Or are we untrue to ourselves because we are doing whatever it takes to get the approval of the other person?

The issue I have with the book is that I come away with the feeling that the entire fabric of a relationship is dependent on me. I also think that the book gives short shrift to real problems in relationships, such as emotional and physical abuse, addictions, etc. If there are children in a relationship, we need to be very aware of the lessons we are teaching them when we do our relationship work. If it's at all possible to make a relationship better, or salvage one that's going through difficulties, Byron's work may help. However, there are times when deciding to end a relationship is appropriate.

We also have our own needs and desires which need to be taken into account. If we have a need to be touched frequently and our spouse is uncomfortable with physical expression of love, it can cause many problems. Saying "He should touch us," isn't a true statement," doesn't solve the problem.

All-in-all, I believe that the book is worth reading, perhaps borrowed from a friend or the library prior to purchase. Byron's work just doesn't resonate with some people. I think it also needs to be read in conjunction with other books on relationships because it isn't a total solution. If your relationship is having serious difficulties, it's also important to reach out to a helping professional.
30 von 32 Kunden fanden die folgende Rezension hilfreich
5.0 von 5 Sternen Wow, this really works! 20. August 2006
Von N. Sander - Veröffentlicht auf Amazon.com
Format:Gebundene Ausgabe
I can highly recommend this book to anyone interested in doing relationship work, or simply doing work with themselves. This book does not give you a solution to your problems, but a tool you can use to question your inner voice that has fed you deconstructive thoughts for all your life. This tool is so powerful, that you will soon feel that there is no relationship problem you can't master, doing the work. Of course you need to be willing to do the work and work it is every single time, but the results are so rewarding that you soon will almost be looking forward to another bad thought/feeling to attack you, so you can lay it at rest and know what YOU need to give to YOURSELF, in order to be happy. It's mostly the exact thing that you "think" other people are not willing to give you...
26 von 29 Kunden fanden die folgende Rezension hilfreich
5.0 von 5 Sternen The best book on relationships on the market! 14. Mai 2005
Von Ram Giri - Veröffentlicht auf Amazon.com
Format:Gebundene Ausgabe
If you read only ONE book this year, read this one!

Not only is Byron Katie's clarity and depth of insight unsurpassed, she teaches us her simple and profound method of self-inquiry so we can get this clarity ourselves. After 35 years of concentrated personal and spiritual growth, it has been this book that has given me the keys to free myself from the emotional tensions in my marriage and the rest of my life. Where psychotherapy helps us to make the little jail cell in our head a little more comfortable, Katie helps us to dissolve the jail.

As a therapist, I see Katie's method and approach as a quantum leap to anything we had before. There is no other method I know that is as meticulous, as thorough, and as easy to use on yourself. Just reading the book will do it for you. And after you're done reading there will be a new way of thinking alive in you that has the power to dissolve tension-producing thoughts for the rest of your life. What a gift!

So, if you have tensions in a relationship with anyone, including yourself, this book will set you free. If you want to give anyone a great gift, including yourself, this book is it! Don't miss it!

Ram Giri (aka: Andreas Braun, Ph.D.)
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