Mrs. Beast [Kindle Edition]

Fairy tale retellings aren't new to me. Most of them are okay rather than great, but I still like to see where the authors go with them. Mrs. Beast is not something I'd ever recommend to anybody. There's nothing very wrong with the actual writing aside from a few misused words and abused apostrophes. Beauty's hair clacks together, which made me think she was Pinocchio's girlfriend for a moment. I took German for a semester, which is enough to know "Kalbskopf" is probably not calf's lungs. Oh, well. Those things are forgivable.

There were parts I couldn't forgive. There's a part early on that mentions Beauty got it on with Beast before he turned into a human. Fortunately, no details are provided, except for the sperm comparison. The author thought we should know the color and texture of Prince Runyon's semen vs. the wonderful ejaculate of Beast. Apparently, Beast's was pine-scented. (Yeah, I didn't make that up. I imagined Beast chasing Beauty around with a tree-shaped car freshener dangling from his...ahem, I'll stop there.)

There's a fairy godmother character whose every appearance heralds a litany of brand names, like Cuisinart, Milk Bones, and Versace. I don't know what the point of it was. The whole story is trapped between modern and old-fashioned, where people ride horses yet refer to tri-planes. There are too many useless characters, like the dwarves and their wives. Did we need to know what all seven wives were wearing in one paragraph? Maybe it's important later in the story. Perhaps someone who finished the book can let us know. I only got halfway in, and that was due to sheer determination and perversity.

The author equates beauty with stupidity. The characters don't connect with each other in a real way. One beauty (author's term for her fairytale heroines) relates a trauma from her childhood. The other woman's reaction is to grit her teeth at the injustice and then to take offense at the beauty's use of "beast" to describe a boar. Hello? The lady is talking about something horrible in her life, and you're upset about her word choice? The relationships between the characters are so shallow. I suppose it's a given when everyone in the book is fixated on outward beauty.

My least favorite part, aside from sexytime with Beast and the fainting spells, was the characterization of Prince Runyon. The guy talks like a toddler (It's fabuwous, darwing!) and acts like a sadist. Beauty's preoccupation is with getting Beast back. If she yearns for the piney scent so much, she should just buy a bottle of Pine-Sol. I feel like the real Beast is missing from this book.

The author is very creative. There were one or two interesting concepts hidden among all the throwaways. From weak characterization to meandering plot, the story never took off. I think after a few more books--given a subject she actually likes and respects--the author can do better, but based on the questionable taste shown in Mrs. Beast, I won't bother with any other books of hers.

Beauty's Beast became a callous, unloving fop when he lost his beast form, and Beauty sets out on a quest to turn him back into the Beast she loved.

While the story idea itself wasn't bad, the execution was awful. Ditchoff mixes tenses and flashbacks without regard to the poor reader trying to follow the storyline. She confuses words, such as "bridal path" for "bridle path" - both useful but NOT interchangeable. When a couple of dwarves come to Beauty's aid and accidentally uncover her "ta-tas," I couldn't take any more.

I loved the first chapters and had a good laugh. I specially liked the enchantress behind the scenes and her self made mutt; and admired the courage of Beauty and her quest to get her loving Beast back after finding the grass is always greener in the human side. Her early misfortunes and encounters with other famous story book beautie were original and funny, but alas! the enjoyment soon faded soon turning into a noir overload. I like dark humor, satire, noir etc. but in moderation. One by one, the beauties that Beauty encountered, from Snow White, to Cinderella, and without an exception they were all damaged and incapable of being nurturing, loving, caring,and unable to have a good relationship. Besides their beauty, they were endowed with few reedeming qualities and doomed forever after.. Beauties be aware, there is not a happy ending unless you are NOT!!