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Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited (FULL TEXT) (English Edition) [Kindle Edition]

Sam Vaknin , Lidija Rangelovska
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The FULL TEXT of Sam Vaknin's classic, groundbreaking BIBLE of NARCISSISM and NARCISSISTIC ABUSE, now in its 9th edition. Tips and advice as well as the most complete clinical background. Narcissistic Personality Disorder and its effects on the narcissist, the psychopath and their nearest and dearest in a variety of settings: the family, workplace, in Church, the community, law enforcement, and politics. 100 frequently asked questions and two essays - a total of 680 pages! Updated to reflect the NEW criteria in the recent fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM).

You are not alone! Are YOU Abused? Stalked? Harassed? Victimized? Confused and Frightened? Were you brought up by a Narcissistic or Psychopathic Parent? Married to a Narcissist or a Psychopath - or Divorcing One? Afraid your children will turn out to be narcissists or psychopaths? Want to cope with this pernicious, baffling condition? OR: Are You a Narcissist or a Psychopath - or suspect that You may be one ... This book will teach you how to Cope, Survive, and Protect Your Loved Ones!

"Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited" is based on correspondence since 1996 with hundreds of people diagnosed with Narcissistic and Antisocial Personality Disorders (narcissists and psychopaths) and with thousands of their suffering family members, friends, therapists, and colleagues. The first ever book about narcissistic abuse, Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Re-Visited offers a detailed, first hand account of what it is like to have a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It contains new insights and an organized methodological framework. The first part of the book comprises more than 100 Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) regarding relationships with abusive narcissists and the Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

What is a personality disorder? When the personality is rigid to the point of being unable to change in reaction to changing circumstances - we say that it is disordered. Such a person takes behavioral, emotional, and cognitive cues exclusively from others. His inner world is, so to speak, vacated. His True Self is dilapidated and dysfunctional. Instead he has a tyrannical and delusional False Self. Such a person is incapable of loving and of living. He cannot love others because he cannot love himself. He loves his reflection, his surrogate self. And he is incapable of living because life is a struggle towards, a striving, a drive at something. In other words: life is change. He who cannot change cannot live.

The narcissist is an actor in a monodrama, yet forced to remain behind the scenes. The scenes take center stage, instead. The Narcissist does not cater at all to his own needs. Contrary to his reputation, the Narcissist does not "love" himself in any true sense of the word. He feeds off other people, who hurl back at him an image that he projects to them. This is their sole function in his world: to reflect, to admire, to applaud, to detest - in a word, to assure him that he exists. Otherwise, the narcissist feels, they have no right to tax his time, energy, or emotions.

The posting of Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Re-Visited on the Web in 1997 has elicited a flood of excited, sad and heart rending responses, mostly from victims of Narcissists but also from people suffering from the NPD. This is a true picture of the resulting correspondence with them. This book is not intended to please or to entertain. NPD is a pernicious, vile and tortuous disease, which affects not only the Narcissist. It infects and forever changes people who are in daily contact with the Narcissist. In other words: it is contagious. It is my contention that Narcissism is the mental epidemic of the twentieth century, a plague to be fought by all means. This tome is my contribution to minimizing the damages of this disorder.


The narcissistic and other cluster and personality disorders, understanding them and coping with the effects.


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1 von 2 Kunden fanden die folgende Rezension hilfreich
1.0 von 5 Sternen Nichts großartig neu 8. März 2014
Habe keine brauchbaren neuen Erkenntnisse aus diesem Buch entnommen, die ich nicht schon selbst wusste, seinem Preis nicht gerecht. Nicht kaufen, rate jedem davon ab.
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Die hilfreichsten Kundenrezensionen auf (beta) 4.6 von 5 Sternen  171 Rezensionen
274 von 291 Kunden fanden die folgende Rezension hilfreich
5.0 von 5 Sternen DO NOT HESITATE TO BUY THIS BOOK 19. September 2004
Von Free At Last - Veröffentlicht auf
First of all, let me say that I am a bright, well educated (doctorate) woman of some age. After twenty years of living with a Narcissist (although I did not know this syndrome actually had a diagnostic name), being controlled, manipulated, lied to, deceived, cuckolded and gaslighted, I felt quite confident that

1) something was wrong and it had to be me, since he told me that constantly (WRONG),

2) i couldn't put a finger on it, but nothing ever made sense - i could not validate the experiences in this relationship by comparing it to my family - friends - other experiences with men and

3) no one could ever understand because it was such a bizarre situation.

Let me tell you this, and let it be a ray of hope for all of you interested in this book. Vaknin explains this disorder so very well, and he explains the ramifications of living with it and the repercussions, that you will put this book down and scream, "EUREKA! I FOUND IT!"

Any reviews that slam this book have either their basis in not having lived or dealt with someone with NPD or they are one themselves and are in denial and can't stand for someone to NAIL IT ON THE HEAD.

Read the book. And then run for your life and never look back. Ever. Empowering. Engaging. The absolute truth. From someone who should know - Vaknin. Sam, if your disorder was good for only one thing, it was this - to enable you to write this book for the empowerment of those who have been destroyed by narcissists.

And before I end this, lest you think I am a pessimist - I have great friends (many over a whole life, many over the last twenty years, I have wonderful children who love me, I have a good career, a nice home and a lot of other attributes. I travel, have fun, cook, do theater. I was able to rise above the criticism, control, and downspiral that an NPD can do to you. You readers can too. And just knowing that someone could explain it so well is the most amazing thing ever. Thank you Vaknin (just what you wanted to hear, wasn't it Sam?). But thank you anyway.
208 von 225 Kunden fanden die folgende Rezension hilfreich
5.0 von 5 Sternen Excellent resource! 3. November 2003
Von - Veröffentlicht auf
It isn't that often that you know someone who is totally self-consumed and unaware of the needs of others. This person may present himself as a helpful, caring friend, who is overzealous about giving assistance, but subtly manipulates others into thinking he cares. In The Malignant Narcissist, Mr.Vaknin provides the reader a thorough and honest discussion about narcissism, clarifying why most narcissistic relationships don't work.
I read this book on a personal level because of my own experience with a narcissistic individual. He was charming, drawing me in, and knew how to compliment and manipulate me. I soon became aware of his personality and felt his control. Mr.Vaknin's book helped me pinpoint the clues that indicated his narcissistic personality. When I first began researching narcissism, I found that many of my questions were still unanswered. I wanted to know the causes of narcissism, how to deal with a narcissistic person, and the prognosis. Sam Vaknin's book, Malignant Love, not only answered my questions, but also provided me with valuable information that I couldn't find elsewhere. His approach is unique because he is a narcissist, and participates in a thorough examination of himself, confronting his own narcissism, enlightening the reader about the causes and ramifications of narcissism. Sam Vaknin's book is a must read for psychologists, social workers, and all individuals who want to learn how to deal with the narcissists in their lives. The information presented in this book is the most exhaustive resource on the subject of narcissism that I have encountered in my research. If you read The Malignant Narcissist, you will need to go no further in your pursuit of information regarding narcissism.
315 von 348 Kunden fanden die folgende Rezension hilfreich
5.0 von 5 Sternen Skip the Therapy, head straight for Vaknin 6. März 2005
Von Aalea1 - Veröffentlicht auf
Did you ever experience a relationship where you knew something just wasn't right but you couldn't put your finger on it? One where you knew what you were going through wasn't normal but you were being told constantly it was. Did you ever have a partner who is incapable of showing real emotion unless of course, it's about him? What about the end of a relationship? Were you ever just "unplugged" so that he could "plug" the new one right into your slot as if you never existed?

Do you find yourself slowly disappearing, your interests and talents pushed aside in favor of trying to meet his needs? Do your successes bring out the worst in him?

Dr. Vaknin gives an in-depth look into the mind of a narcissist. It doesn't matter that it's his own mind he is opening up for viewing. He makes it painfully clear how much alike all narcissists are though they live their lives thinking they're unique. Through the pages of "Malignant Self Love," you will come to know your narcissist intimately, in a way he would never allow on his own. You'll learn why he's the way he is but what is most important, you'll learn why he won't ever change. You'll learn that he recreates reality so that talking to him, seeking closure becomes impossible. You never existed so what is there to talk about? You could have been together two years or 20 and it doesn't make a difference to this personality disordered, soul-less creature.

The most terrifying thing to learn is how completely normal they look and act, at first. It's easy to fall into their trap and getting out is nearly impossible.

A narcissist can't love but he's a great actor. He knows how to suck you in, to pretend to be everything you were looking for. Once he has you, watch out because that's the end of your ride.

He is capable of devaluing and discarding you without ever looking back. A narcissist looks at his ex the way you would look at an old pair of sneakers...totally used up and ready for the trash.

It can be hurtful to know how he talks about you to others, calls you names and labels you in the most horrible way until you read Dr. Vaknin's work. There you will learn how almost every narcissist does the same thing as if they had a manual to go by. You find a slight sense of peace to see how 'every' narcissist's ex is crazy, psycho, a lunatic in their eyes. If you're the ex, it is very validating and healing.

I think this book should be on everyone's list. The knowledge you will gleam from the pages could very well save your life.
83 von 90 Kunden fanden die folgende Rezension hilfreich
Von Paige - Veröffentlicht auf
Your mate is not hitting you and they are not verbally abusing you so how can this be an abusive relationship you are thinking? . Yet you are either angry or crying all the time? Do you feel your own sanity slipping away? Are there constant "miscommunications" between you and your partner? Does your relationship history keep changing? When your partner does something nice for you does it have an underlying feeling of contempt to it and you can't figure out why? Does this person keep telling you they love you but promises are rarely if ever kept? .Do you feel they have compartmentalized their life and you are not allowed in certain areas. Do you feel like an intruder in their home when you visit? It is irrational to think something is wrong. Your mate would have to be crazy to be in a relationship with you if they don't want to be with you.. If they don't want the relationship why are they spending hours upon hours going through relationship talks and counseling to keep the relationship going? Of course they want it to be successful... or do they? Are you asking yourself these questions? Then this book is a MUST READ.

Welcome to the world of Narcissism. You want the reason why? Read the book. But be prepared my friend Mr. Vaknin pulls no punches. He tells it like it is. If you are involved with a narcissist you will unravel your entire relationship by reading this book. You will also be forced to face the ugly truth about the relationship and yourself and why you were in this relationship. This book will save your sanity and empower you to have healthier relationships. Mr. Vaknin's insight into Narcissism is incredible. My couselor advised me the insight I have given her into Narcissism and what has happened to me as a victim has given her a whole new perspective into this mental illness. I couldn't have done that without reading this book. Because Mr.Vaknin was able to help me understand more about Narcissism and what was actually happening during my relationship My counselor will now be able to help her clients more. She is recommending this book to other clients.

This book changed my life and forced me to recognize the healing I had to do in order to have a healthier happier life. It gave me the courage to trust again because I now know my intuition is correct and I don't deceive myself anymore. There are people out there that are just mentally ill no matter how normal they seem. This book helps you to understand that and it brings closure to your mourning of the narcissist. Finally it enables you to let go of that person that doesn't exist. It also does a great job defining abuse. So many people think abuse has to be physical or verbal. Emotional abuse is deadly and that is what a Narcissist uses. A Narcissist is a predator and a very good predator that is all they do. They don't build lives they destroy them by emotionally exploiting people for affirmation. When they suck their victims emotionally dry they move on. Without empathy or compassion they detach themselves. I am a very strong person which was a great challenge for a narcissist. He said he never worked so hard on a relationship like he did with me. Which made the devaluation cycle even more brutal. He was angry he had to work so hard to suck me in. When I unraveled the lies this man told me I became so enraged I scared myself. That is why I went to counseling. If you think have one in your life arm yourself with the knowledge from this book and free yourself and your heart.

(a wooden cross and stake wouldn't hurt either :))


105 von 116 Kunden fanden die folgende Rezension hilfreich
4.0 von 5 Sternen Vaknin and MSL -- A lifesaver 9. Juli 2007
Von Joe Anonymous - Veröffentlicht auf
Format:Taschenbuch|Verifizierter Kauf
Like the myriad of other reviewers raving about this book, I too have been victimized by a classic narcissist.

Being a PhD-trained psychotherapist myself did nothing to help me in my downfall. In fact, it may have even hindered me, because I stubbornly refused to obey what all my healthy instincts were screaming (get out!), and I continued to extend compassion, patience, and tolerance long after what good boundaries would otherwise dictate.

My brief story first, then why I like this book.

My classic (somatic) narcissist was typical. I met her 7 months after the demise of my marriage (from which I had not yet fully recovered), and she was the perfect balm. Kind, loving, attentive, mirroring me oh so well. Coupled to considerable beauty and charm, I was pretty strongly hooked. I was aware from very early on that there was a certain larger-than-life (i.e., phoney) flavor to her. But I didn't want to look too hard at that. Had I have been more healed, undoubtedly I would have.

For the first 18 months, a honeymoon phase existed, although there were already clear warning signs, e.g., unmitigated rages over my efforts at saying "no" from time to time, a fundamental disinterest in getting to know me in any deep sense, vitriolic criticisms of many persons we crossed paths with. Her use of the word "weak" to describe persons in general. Telling too, was the need for constant excitement and the chronic mention of variations on the word "boredom" whenever life was merely routine.

It was a rude awakening to be shifted from primary narcissistic supply to secondary narcissistic supply. Compliments dried up, sex dried up, emotional intimacy dried up. Within a few months of this, I discovered a passionate affair (which ended the relationship), that so seduced the poor sap that he proposed marriage after 4 weeks. He was bewildered worse than me when she suddenly dropped him to come back to me. Promises of renewed efforts at our relationship, balancing give and take, improving of communication skills were the tools which seduced me the second time. The honeymoon lasted for about 4 months this time, then once again I fell into an ancillary role in the relationship. It took 14 more months of tolerating numerous lies, and on my part, nagging, begging, arguing, and looking for some shard of empathy from her for me and my giving and supportive role.

Sam mentions the "Stockholm Syndrome", (where the victims become enamored of their kidnappers). As a behaviorally-trained psychologist, I prefer to think in terms of reinforcement. Variable ratio reinforcement (i.e., the abuser randomly throws the victim and occasional bone) is the schedule that produces the highest rate of responding in the victim--AND is the most difficult to extinguish (end or escape from). Think of a slot machine. Narcissists are experts at reinforcing only intermittently. Few are as frequent at it as a Las Vegas slot! For those of you out there who are suffering, it may help you to appreciate that you're not crazy or weak. Most people can be seduced into unexpected behaviors by the powerful shaping of this type reinforcement. Then when YOUR drug (reinforcement) is cut off, expect to suffer greatly.

We come to Vaknin. I believe that his phenomonological analysis of the mind of the narcissist is outstanding. I am able to understand EVERY nuance of my ex's behavior. Things that absolutely puzzled me, like referring to herself in the third person when asking for physical comfort when sick. The feast to famine sexual behavior. The lack of any relationships with adults. The apparent contradiction of volunteer work--which puzzled me. All of these behaviors are crystal clear to me now after looking through the lens that Sam provides us with.

The book gets four stars only because I consider his etiology to be incomplete--which I believe he acknowledges. My ex DID however have the classic picture. A smothering, overly indulgent mother, and a clearly personality disordered--mostly absent alcoholic father. However, I am aware that most modern models of human behavior are multifactorial. I'd like to see an effort at this in Sam's book, and less psychodynamic/object relations theory. We have a long way to go hammering out this disorder.

Finally, I'd like more on treatment. I can't of course fault Sam for his dismal picture of treatment success. I am well aware from my own practice that narcissists only show up briefly (usually due to a crisis). They soon discover that they are smarter than the therapist(!)-- who may or may not have a role in effectively recharging their battery, and depart in short order.

I'd like to see a controlled study done using the Marsha Linehan's DBT methods. There is substantial research showing significant improvement in Borderline Personality Disorder which likely also has a very early childhood factor. There is enough overlap between the disorders I believe to warrant a closer look. The unfortunate mitigating variable is lack of interest on the part of the Narcissist! One of the last things my significant other said to me was, "I'll never go to psychotherapy, being with you has convinced me that THAT'S useless!" Fair enough. I will now do my own therapy for the trauma and abuse. I'm staggered with how damaged I am from this experience. Thank you Sam--and even you the reviewers--for your shared experience. You've been a lifesaver.

I consider the two negative reviews on here to be without substance. We ALL wish that the picture was better. Vaknin is telling it like it is. I'd very much like to read a book or study some day that shows clear evidence of recovery from this pernicious disorder. I'm sure many of us would. At least I have a substantial chance of healing and recovery. I believe my ex's to be infinitely more abysmal.
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