Last Self-Help Bk Youll Ev -OS: Repress Your Anger, Think Negatively, Be a Good Blamer, and Throttle Your Inner Child [Englisch] [Gebundene Ausgabe]

Before you pick up another self-help book, read this one. You may decide to stop listening to everyone else about how to live your own best life and finally be able to enjoy ("savour") your messy humanity just the way it is. Most important - don't skip the chapter on the "asylum" of the family. It makes some very good and thought-provoking points about what really makes a good family (surprise - it is not material wealth or "opportunity").

I don't agree with everything Pearsall says (which is the point of the book anyway), but he opens the door for us to take a deep breath and realize that there is absolutely NO formula that can possibly encompass the entire complexity of a human life, and that our lives are meant to be confusing and infinitely messy. Otherwise they would be boring and valueless. Pearsall embraces real human being and living and inspires his readers to do the same. He has given me more courage to listen to myself and the people around me, rather than to the overwhelming amount of media produced by people who've never even met me.

Don't get stuck on the provocativeness of the title. I have enjoyed and admired Dr Pearsall's other books, and this one might be his best, yet. As usual, he backs up his assertions with plenty of notes and references to particular studies. And there is a fine index, which is a joy because I found myself often wanting to refer to earlier bits of the book.

There were a number of "laugh out loud" moments of recognition: descriptions of family members that no one would choose, discussion of family as informal asylum, celebrations of human connectedness that give moments of delight even to difficult journeys.

This book is also a primer in dealing with intractable realities. Positive thinking is not the answer to every situation; anyone who has borne a deep grief knows this. Dr Pearsall recognizes the paradoxes inherent in living fully and in becoming honest with ourselves. Life is sunshine and shadow, day and night. Those who feel guilty at not being able to think themselves well or at being unable to clear all negativity from one's life will find a healthy dose of relief here. It is all right, the author seems to say, to acknowledge that the night is dark and that daylight seems far away.

A controversial aspect of this book will be its author's insistence that many incipient problems for individuals relate to over-emphasis on the individual in recent years. Codependence, for instance, might describe a functional, but difficult relationship; perhaps -- provocative idea, this -- we should be learning to care for others more than we care for ourselves. Maybe self-esteem is not only over-rated, but also might lead to unattractive deformities in personality.

But lampooning some sacred cows is not the point of the book. Rather, the book reminds us that it is a wonderful life. Throughout each chapter we are invited to embrace the full wonder of it all.

Nowhere is the inclination to substitute cliches for substative thought more evident than in the self-help therapeutic culture. "Love should not be conditional" we are told sonorously by TV "experts." "Be all that you can be," "live up to your full potential," "nurture and understand your inner child," "express your anger," and my personal favorite, "we are all victims" are just a few of the silly old chestnuts that masquerade as legitimate advice. And of course sometimes there is an element of truth hiding somewhere in these hoary old sayings. But more often than not they are accepted as gospel and repeated ad nauseum until they've gained general acceptance despite being patently wrong most of the time.

Pearsall explores these and other hackneyed canards and exposes them to the light of the scientific method. Deep down, haven't most people suspected that many of these fabrications are utterly bogus? Pearsall says that the cornerstone of the self-help culture, the addiction paradigm is also a flawed construct. Only 5% (FIVE!!) of people in Alcoholics Anonymous succeed. This, according to their own literature. The famous 12 step program is unsuccessful in NINTY FIVE percent of cases!! Something's gotta be wrong with that particular picture!

Have you ever considered the possibility that this is as good as it gets? Well, it probably is, so why not sit back, relax and enjoy yourself? We're wearing ourselves out trying to "be all that we can be" and living up to our potential. Ever consider the possiblity that perhaps some people are just naturally happier than others? One of things that makes people so darn unhappy is that they think they should be happier and more fulfilled. If you aren't skipping down the street every day whistling zippity-do-dah you're probably pretty normal. But more likely than not you can't understand why you aren't happier. Most people think they are "entitled" to more happiness and if they don't get it then by golly someone's going to pay. And all too often it is the hapless spouse that pays the price.

Primarily, this book advocates being realistic in your life. If you've got the potential to become a concert pianist then by all means go for it. But if you are tone deaf, clumsy and simply loathe the piano then give yourself a break and take up something else that you are better suited for. Enjoy what you've got and what you are capable of. Derive happiness from your current situation and better appreicate those circumstances and those around you. Be realistic in your aspirations. There's nothing wrong with going for it, but again be realistic and recognize when to quit. Blindly forging ahead when you are not succeeding is as defeating as never trying something in the first place. Forget your inner child!! Learn to reach out to others and to behave as a mature adult. Do not succumb to the sirens call of victimhood and entitlement. NOTHING is more destructive to your happiness.

The whole of the therapeutic culture has come to rely on the silly nostrums that eventually have gained the status of unassailable truth. Pearsall effectively addresses these myths and explores their validity from a more flinty eyed realistic perspective. Many sacred cows are gored by Pearsall and I say it's long overdue.