Have Him at Hello: Confessions from 1,000 Guys About What Makes Them Fall in Love . . . Or Never Call Back [Englisch] [Taschenbuch]

Rachel Greenwald's latest, "Why He Didn't Call You Back", is the book that could have been written by any number of men, but wasn't. What she learned after meticulously interviewing 1000 guys on "exit interviews" is the very information that can change women's lives on a dime. It's the stuff that guys talk about with each other about why they REALLY don't feel a connection - and a lot of it is hard to hear. As they say, the truth hurts - especially when some of it seems unfair and hypocritical.

But as the author of "Why You're Still Single: Things Your Friends Would Tell You If You Promised Not to Get Mad" and as a dating coach whose primary clients are smart, successful single women from 30-65, I can tell you that every single thing in Greenwald's book is a potential teaching tool. These are the same issues I hear from my amazing women clients day in and day out. Men don't respond to bossy women, gold-diggers, downers, desperation, high-maintenance, or women who are all about themselves - their jobs, their friends, their accomplishments. Yes, they want attractive, but they also want want intelligence, kindness, fun, and nurturing.

This isn't really news. You may think this only applies to other women that you know. It does not. In fact, the big statistical take-away I got from this book is that 78 percent of women surveyed believed that a man hadn't called her back for reasons beyond her control - "chemistry", "he's just not that into me", "he's intimidated by me". The truth is, 85% of men felt the exact opposite - that there were very specific things that women did which created a negative impression that men couldn't look past.

While this can easily arouse indignation, Greenwald encourages you to recognize that you probably the same thing when you're on dates with men. Dissecting the way what he wore, where he took you, how he reached for the check, how he talked about his ex or his job or his family. So why isn't there a book called "Why She Didn't Call You Back"?

Because, like I wrote in "Why You're Still Single", men wouldn't actually read it. 90% of the self-help market is for women and since neither you or me or Greenwald can change men, all we can do is create self-awareness by laying out, once and for all, what men REALLY think.

And while a lot of it isn't pretty, Greenwald doesn't just tell you what you're doing wrong, but gives subtle course-correction hints on how to get it right. She truly cares about women and doesn't demonize them in this book. All she does is shed light on the dark corners of the male mind so that you can either adjust (or not adjust) accordingly.

The other real eye-opener is what she suggests to women in the future. Exit interviews. In other words, it's impossible to get present to the unintentional signals you're giving off if you never hear what they are. Imagine if MEN did this - if they actually asked for specific feedback on how they could improve on their dates and what they did to turn you off. Imagine how shocking it would be - and how it might impact their efforts on their next date.

Unfortunately, in real life, we don't have this feedback loop. He doesn't call, you wonder why, you move on with little clarity. Greenwald suggests asking him for an Exit Interview after the fact - a slightly embarrassing but greatly empowering tool for your self-growth. She even suggests that you could ask friends or hire dating coaches to handle this delicate process for you. The point is to do SOMETHING instead of burying your head in the sand and lamenting what's wrong with men. There's PLENTY wrong with men - but you can't change them. You can only change yourself.

To sum up, if knowledge is power, "Why He Didn't Call You Back" is one powerful book. As a dating coach for smart, successful, single women, I couldn't give a more enthusiastic endorsement for a very eye-opening and fast read.

When I first picked up Have Him at Hello, I rolled my eyes. Yeah, right, someone is going to tell me how to act like an airhead. But, Greenwald's book is based on real research - research that a psychologist (like me) might conduct. The sample is large enough (1000 men) and old enough, mostly 30 - 48, to assuage any concerns that the men she spoke with were atypical. These men gave the obvious, courteous answers to her initial questions but when pushed went deeper into their real reasons for losing interest in attractive, personable, catch after a promising first date.

Greenwald's main point is that on a first date, like on a job interview, first impressions count. If you make a bad first impression, there may not be time for someone to see beneeth the surface, so it's really important to carefully consider what you reveal and how quickly you move. Her second point is that, many men (no, not all) are more likely to want to see you again if you maintain some intrigue - remember Dangerous Liaisons, one fo the sexiest period pieces ever? This doesn't mean being "fake" or playing games, but it also doesn't mean wearing your heart on your sleeve or coming in with a checklist of questions to get through before you finish your appetizer. Didn't your mother always tell you to listen more than you talk? The men who were interviewed for this book can tell the difference. For anyone who has been dating for a while, getting lots of first dates but very few second or third ones, read this book with an open mind and think about how it really is speaking to you. Remember, if you always do what you always did, you always get what you always got! This is one feminist who thinks I may have a thing or two to learn about how to put my ego aside and focus on my goal: meeting the man of my dreams this year!

In spite of its pink cover and embarrassing title, this book is serious research. I'm a PhD researcher who published a paper with similar methods in the journal _Science_, and I think her research seems even more rigorous than ours was. Greenwald and her research assistants spoke with almost 900 men and documented clear patterns in their statements about why they did not pursue specific women past an initial date. Then for marketing they emailed another 100 so they could say they got 1000. Without a doubt, then, this is a great book with fantastic information in it.

The book is all about first impressions and I think it may undersell its seriousness with its title. It's positioned itself in the category of short-lived dating books that people read secretively and give away quickly because they are ashamed to be seen with them. I understand why Greenwald is marketing the book with such a shocking title since it fits right in with _He's just not that into you_, but if this book were published with a less flashy title like "Mistaken First Impressions", people could recommend it to friends and not be ashamed to be seen reading it. That was her choice and it's not a bad choice. No one wants to admit to having read "He's just not that into you" and yet everyone knows what it's about. It's just frustrating to think how many people who could really use the book would be ashamed to be seen with it because of its title.

So many people could benefit from this book and there is no way on earth anyone could give or "lend" or recommend this book to a friend without insulting them. As it was I checked this book out of the library and when I picked it up, the librarian gave me this absolutely pitying look as if to say "I'm so sorry you suck at dating."