Becoming Sister Wives: The Story of an Unconventional Marriage [Kindle Edition]

I watch the show Sister Wives on TLC but don't consider myself a starry eyed fan. I watch the show because I enjoy learning about other lifestyles and cultures. I don't have any issues with the family living however they want, I am a big fan of freedom of choice in how you live your life. Although I watch the show, I wanted to know more about why this family has chosen this life. The book doesn't really answer this fully. I understand there is a celestial principle that they believe in and also understand that taking plural wives is part of adhering to this principle. Although it doesn't really say this, the general impression I get is that they feel that in order to enter the highest kingdom of heaven, the celestial kingdom, they are required to live 'the principle' which requires plural marriage. This is how I understand it, but I could be wrong.

All that being said, that explanation above is about the only reason I can see these women agreeing to live in this lifestyle. Each woman's section and story is actually very sad. I was refreshingly surprised that each wive in their sections appeared to be writing very honestly about their struggles with plural marriage. I find both Janelle's and Christine's stories to be particularly heartbreaking. Both Janelle and Christine had such difficulty with being accepted and approved by Meri that they both in different ways ended up moving out of a shared house to separate houses, Christine to a cottage on the property and Janelle at one point, actually moved with the kids to a house near her mother. It seems that for both Christine and Janelle, they could never do anything right in Meri's eyes so there was a lot of friction. It was heartbreaking to read Janelle's description of sitting in a chair by herself while Meri and Kody held hands when they watched movies at home.

It seems that they didn't all live together in the true plural marriage sense until the Lehi house. Even then it sounded like Meri liked to keep her distance (and made kind of catty remarks about how she and her daughter liked to be healthy and quiet vs. the other wives, which seemed like unnecessary jabs), it seemed the Janelle and Chrsitine had a better bond in the Lehi house. Then Robyn enters the picture. Although Meri portrays on the show that she finally found the sister wive she had always wanted, the book tells a different story. Once it was decided to have Robyn join the family, both Meri and Christine fell into deep depressions.

Robyn's chapters are the most confusing to me. Confusing in that she is either very empathetic and caring and trying to keep peace in the plural family relationship or she is very manipulative and cunning. It's hard to know. She seems to say all the right things but it is her story that makes me wonder if she is being as honest as the others. Since her story is relatively new to the group, I guess time will tell with that.

Now that they all live in Las Vegas, it seems that they are further than every from living the true 'principle". They all live separately and seem to all be responsible for all their own bills. I guess for now the TLC paychecks keep everyone afloat. They don't seem to enjoy each other as 'friends' at all, they appear to rarely get together with the wives unless required by their Sunday church service and brunch and the mention of Friday night get togethers. The wives even mention in various ways that they don't know if they would even be friends with their sister wives if they weren't part of the family. Honestly it seems like 4 single mothers who all have the same husband. I don't see much in the way of a true big family relationship at all.

So my review comes down to this: I found each of the stories to be interesting and mostly honest. I feel that these women must feel that they have to life this lifestyle in order for future rewards in heaven (or the after life, or whatever terminology you would use) because otherwise I have no idea why they would stay in a situation where they are for the most part miserable and insecure. All the assurances that this lifestyle helps refine them doesn't feel honest to me, I think they are just trying to make the best of a bad situation. And none of the wives really hold Kody responsible for any of their unhappiness...they all love and accept him just as he is. Interestingly, his story is not all that prominent in the book and the general impression I get is that they all live their own separate lives and Kody is around on his days and on Sundays.

I will definitely watch the show now with a different understanding. I was surprised and pleased by the honesty of especially Christine and Janelle and find myself hoping they find a way out of this situation and a way towards happiness.

If you watch the show, I think you will be intrigued by their individual stories. This book will not at all encourage people to embrace the plural marriage lifestyle but does give some good insight as to what really goes on in these families.

The Browns' book provides information on their lives and marriages leading up to and slightly past Robyn's son's birth in fall 2011. It is a little hard to navigate since the story is told from the perspectives of all five adults who basically retell the same stories, gradually moving the timeline from past to present. The book is very similar both in style and content to "Love Times Three," by the Dargers, though the Dargers is marginally better written.

They answer a lot of questions regarding the wives and their relationships with Kody and with each other, however, it seems that they stop giving information on a topic at the exact moment it becomes truly interesting. For instance, we know that Meri was pretty cruel to Janelle for the first few years of marriage, but we know very few details about the sorts of cruel things she did. Same thing with Christine and Robyn: what specific things did Christine do to Robyn? Furthermore, they definitely brush over uncomfortable topics such as Janelle moving out, Robyn's first husband, Meri's overbearing tendencies, and, of course, sex. I can see why these touchy topics would be brushed aside by the authors, but it leaves the reader somewhat unsatisfied and very curious.

My impression of the Browns has changed as a result of this book. From examining the Browns through the TLC lens, I assumed that the family's problems were minor and the jealousies were kept to a minimum because of their faith in God and in their lifestyle. The book leads me to believe though that the women are pretty darn unhappy and that the bad times out number the good times. The book made me feel sorry for them. If they really are happy, I hope they write a second book that shows how happy and satisfied they are.

If you enjoy their show, this book will provide you with some answers, some questions, some food for thought, and plenty of typos (in the kindle version at least). This book is great encouragement for those who strive to learn about and be accepting of all faiths. According to Kody, "Too many people, regardless of their faith, are small-minded enough to imagine that their beliefs...are the only way to be saved or to know God." He acknowledges that it is not possible that his "family members are the only people who got it right." (page 4)

Although the book itself is not particularly well written, it provides some interesting insights into the thought processes, reasoning and behavior of Kody and his four wives, with different points of view on major (and a few minor) life events for an extensive period of time. The addition of each wife exponentially increases the likelihood of dysfunctional behavior and conflict. I think it's a good read for anyone interested in learning more about certain psychological profiles and seeing how they role play chapter by chapter in this unusual family dynamic, and could make a great psych paper.

Kody is a classic narcissist ("extreme selfishness, with a grandiose view of one's own talents and a craving for admiration.") Kody portrays himself as a complex man with needs that can't be met by just one woman, immediately setting himself up as both unique and special. The concept of plural wives offers the perfect platform for ensuring a captive audience who are heavily invested in his approval and meeting his needs, even at their own expense (as is often the case), the justification for adding new admirers on an as needed basis, and most especially the guaranteed attention from a controversial lifestyle.

One classic example of Kody's narcissism that jumped out at me was Kody's story about Christine's cheese and chili nachos. He talks about his own "shallowness of youth" for judging her by her appearance: this admission is designed to make him appear more emotionally mature now, an example of how he has evolved, and is perhaps even admirable for having the grace to admit his former shortcoming. He portrays and rejects her as chubby and unappealing, even repulsive, in one stroke. One of two things has happened: either, in his self-congratulation, it doesn't even occur to him that he's not only sacrificed Christine's dignity, he's publicly humiliated her (in a book, for the whole world to see); or, she had somehow offended him, and this was his way of punishing her. Either way, it was selfish and extremely hurtful.

His primary coping mechanisms appear to be avoidance, deflection and withholding, with an alarming lack of accountability and a hearty dose of self-pity (also typically narcissistic.) Indeed, his solution to problems with one wife is to simply marry another woman who doesn't pose problems (yet). Kody defines his ability to compartmentalize and categorize his wives, i.e. one is more "fun" to be with, another has a "good head for business", as a talent rather than a deficiency.

I also noticed how little individual attention he gives each of his many children at school performances, athletic events, or spending one on one quality time with each of them on a weekly basis, not as a 'special gift' of his time, but as a real investment in his relationship to them as individuals and his children.

Meri, Janelle, Christine and Robyn each display pretty classic profiles, and I don't want to spoil it for you by laying it all out here - more fun for you to discover through your own reading - but here are a few things to look for:

1) Fear of abandonment and rejection, controlling the future, and self-fulfilling prophecy. If a woman enters a monogamous marriage, the two most common fears are that her husband will be unfaithful (rejection) or divorce her (abandonment). If she enters a polygamous marriage and her husband becomes dissatisfied, it's much more likely that he'll just focus on his other wives, or get a new one. Ultimately she still experiences abandonment and rejection (it's the nature of the lifestyle she chose), but in a much more subtle form that she doesn't have to consciously acknowledge, *and* that she's convinced herself isn't what is really happening.

2) Diffusion and substitution. Neither Kody nor his wives have experienced the kind of deep, healthy intimacy in a one-on-one relationship that meets both partners' needs, so it's understandable that they might believe the only or best way for this to happen is if there are many people in a marriage. Each relationship: husband to wife, wife to wife, will collectively ensure each person's needs are met. Instead, intimacy is diffused, no one's needs are fully met, and varying degrees of jealousy, insecurity and anger are woven through the fabric of their plural marriage.

3) Jockeying for position, playing and winning (or losing.) Notice how each woman is initially strongly attracted to Kody, not for his skill (which is sorely lacking) at maintaining healthy relationships, but for his magnetism, physical attraction, athleticism, etc. Obviously family of origin is a big factor here, but let's just look at what they get from this: at some point, she will be the most popular or desirable company to her husband. Furthermore, she knows that other women desire him, because they wanted him enough to marry him. She "wins" not just once (when he marries her), but (hopefully!) multiple times throughout the marriage, each time getting a much-needed ego boost. Note that Christine deliberately chooses to be the third wife so she won't have to be the first, monogamist wife ("if I never have it, I won't lose it.")

>> I have watched several episodes of their TV show, and reading the book was very insightful, helping to flesh out my initial observations. The purpose of this marriage is to make and keep Kody happy, and whoever does it best, wins. Whoever fails, loses. Whoever complains, loses - Kody will redirect any dissatisfaction back to himself and his noble efforts, monumental responsibilities, challenges, and needs, which far exceed anyone else's. Eating disorders, depression, passive-aggressive behavior, being indirect (especially NOT owning their own needs and making sure they get met) and the like abound.

Each wife, despite the obvious dysfunction, and perhaps also because of their parents' modeling, "clutches the ties that bind" in a hell-bent determination to convince themselves that they really do have a better deal in polygamy.